Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Help Me Decide My Halloween Costume


I need somebody. Help! Not just anybody! Help! You know I need someone Heeeeellllppp.


I am so stressed out about Halloween that I'm developing an eye twitch. I have no idea what I'm going to be and that alone should be a federal offense.

I need your help, kind of loyal readers.

how good of a jane fonda would i be tho.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

I Got My First Massage Today

What says I'm 25 today and I'm still young and youthful and vibrant but also I'm mature and ready to start the new year fresh?

A MASSAGE!!!!!!!!

pic from Barbie Smith Massage Associates because lol
I've had a SpaFinder gift card for 27 years now. My sister gave it to me for babysitting her devil cat and I never used it, but today Katie was like, let's go get a massage and I was like ok but do I have to shave my legs?

Sunday, October 18, 2015

I Dressed Like Ariana Grande For The Tay Concert Because Planning Is Hard

Listen, here. LISTEN, I SAY. I don't mess around when it comes to Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift is my sport. I've been to every tour of hers and I don't see why that's a problem. During this tour, every night I would crawl into bed and constantly refresh Twitter to see the live tweets from people at her show that night. I examine the outfits, the setlist, her special guests, and everything in between.

I also follow plenty of fans on Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr, so I know that the key to getting backstage and winning a meet-and-greet with Tay is to dress up in something unique and memorable.

help. i don't need a life or a boyfriend.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Another Hot Neighbor Update

How much does everyone love Hot Neighbor?

I love him so much I just gave him his own label for this stupid-ass blog, so you can click on "Hot Neighbor" anytime and read everything there is to know about him.

Listen, it's been awhile since PMS gave you a Hot Neighbor update. A lot has happened since June 7, 2015, when I gave you your last Hot Neighbor update.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Planning A Birthday Dinner For An Event Planner Is Tough

There's an event planner in our friend group, her actual job is planning events, which is lovely because she plans all the events for our group of friends.

She's Kassidy and she's there to coordinate things, book dinners, make spreadsheets, etc.

But when it's her birthday and one of us has to coordinate her birthday dinner, everything goes to hell.

It goes to actual hell.

It's a shit show.

Let's review the WEEKS leading up to planning one birthday dinner for the event planner, Kassidy Lora Ketron.

Let's order shirts that says #bringKKhome
This is mainly an inside joke, a joke for the insiders, but we thought buying T-shirts that say, "#bringKKhome" would be the best thing since air conditioning. So we assigned Augusta Ruby Neal to design and order the T-shirts and then that was the last we talked about it. Day of birthday dinner: No T-shirts.

Let's buy her a gift
Gifts are fun and birthdays are fun, so let's buy her a birthday gift. What does Kassidy like? She likes makeup, right? What kind of makeup? I shouldn't be trusted in Sephora alone. She needs a new bag. Does she like bucket bags? I can't remember. Why have I not listened to anything she's said ever. Long story, short: I went to Target, Nordstroms, Urban Outfitters, Forever 21, Nordstroms again, Big Lots, Ross, and all I got her were these sunglasses.

Other things I considered buying her:

i loved it sorry

how ugly is this purse i love it

i wish nate berkus was straight because he's my dream man

i was gonna buy this for myself but didn't, but should i?

everyone needs a panda head/mask thing

Text the wrong group text
There are 47 group texts happening in my iPhone at any given moment and one was sans Kassidy because we had to plan her birthday. A good rule of thumb is to shop while texting, so then you accidentally text the group WITH KASSIDY IN IT talking about her birthday. Act like nothing happened when she questions you.

Let's bring dessert to the restaurant
We'll put Sarah in charge of that because she's the most domestic, but what dessert does Kassidy even like? I heard her say the other day she doesn't like brownies, so she really is a Nazi and Hitler deserves her. I don't think she likes cake, either. She talks about ice cream a lot, but like, who brings ice cream to a restaurant. So we got her ice cream cake and turns out she crapped her pants because she was so excited.

But then watch her have the best night of her life
This is not at all true, but I wanted this blog to end like a Mastercard commercial. Bye.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

A Timeline of Granmary's Nick Jonas Questions

pls don't steal this. PMS copyright.
12:37 p.m. CT Sept. 23, 2015, Dickey's BBQ, Dallas, Texas, USA
Me: "I'm about to interview Nick Jonas."
98-year-old grandmother, also known as Granmary: "Ohhhh? Nick Jonas? Now is he the youngest one? He was on my TV just the other day. What are you going to wear?"
Me: "I don..."
Granmary: "What are you going to ask him? Where are you meeting him? Will his brothers be there?"

7 p.m. CT Sept. 23, 2015, voicemail on my iPhone
Granmary: "Hi, darling! It's Granmary. I'm just dying to know how that went. Did you have the right questions and was he cute? Anyhow, get the thing all together. I wanna read this. Well, I was just checking."

1:07 p.m. Sept. 27, 2015, El Fenix, Dallas, Texas, USA
Granmary: "How was it? Was he nice? Was he funny? What did you wear?"
Me: "It was go..."
Granmary: "Did you see he's dating that Kate Hudson girl? Well, I just can't believe it. Now we know why he didn't call you. How old is she?"
Father, also known as ICE Daddy: "Him not calling had nothing to do with the fact that he just got done dating Miss Universe."

Granmary: "Was he nice? I bet all the other brothers are jealous of his success? What did you ask him? Can I read it? Has he called? He might just be looking for a Texas girl, you never know."

3:29 p.m. Oct. 4, 2015, Granmary's Room in her assisted living home, Dallas, Texas, USA
Granmary: "Have you heard from Nick? Has he called? Can you believe that he's dating Kate Hudson? Well I just can't believe it. How old is she? How old are you looking for, Paige? Nothing under 30? Well, you'll know when you see him, I guess. I'm not worried about you."


Saturday, October 3, 2015

Do I have a crush on Wiz Khalifa and other things I can blame Mercury on

Mercury is in retrograde and I have no idea what that means.

All you hippie voodoo shit people won't stop talking about it and by that I mean my friend Cayla is blaming it on everything.

Does Zodiac signs have anything to do with this. What is my Zodiac sign. What does any of this mean.

Like is Mercury even a planet.

*googles "planets"*
It is. Continue on.

Things I'm blaming Mercury on:
I can't remember if Mercury is even a planet.
I went to the Rangers game and ate nachos and then vomited. Dang you, Mercury.
I bought Jessica Simpson heels because a lesbian told me my legs looked good in them. (I assume she's a lesbian. She was looking at the crocs.) Ugh, Mercury. Where am I even going to wear the heels?
I also bought thigh-high boots because apparently I have the confidence of a supermodel now. THANKS MERCURY.
I gave Winston an actual bath. Like, it was my idea and everything. #Mercury.
I saw a play where I had to stand the entire time. Freakin' Jupiter wouldn't make me do that.
My Internet hasn't been working for the past two days. I SEE YOU, MERCURY.
When the AT&T man came, I told him having no Internet is equal to fighting in a war. Mercury causes actual vomit and word vomit.
I watched Grandfathered and enjoyed it. I was smiling the entire time. Eff you, Mercury.
I went to Sonic and asked for a McFlurry and the woman was so offended. "I'm sorry, ma'am. It's Mercury!"
I screamed at the McDonald's guy when he wouldn't serve me a quarter pounder at 10:45 a.m. Mercury.
I bought $115 Taylor Swift standing room only tickets. I don't even have a seat. I just have a way into the stadium. Tay is bigger than Mercury.
I teared up while watching "The Longest Ride." Kill me, Mercury.
And finally. Do I have a crush on Wiz Khalifa. Help me god and Mercury.

sry dad.
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