Sunday, January 10, 2016

Who is Zendaya: An investigation

It was a typical Sunday night. I was minding my own business, scrolling Twitter, looking at all the Golden Globe tweets, when ALL OF A SUDDEN EFFING ZENDAYA SHOWS UP ON MY TIMELINE.

she looks terrific but like who are you.

calming down. someone tell me to breathe.

And of course, OF COURSE, she was being interviewed by Ryan Seacrest and not Giuliana Rancic because her and Giuliana had that little spat not too long ago. If you don't know what happened, honestly, I don't have the energy or patience to explain it to you, so find the nearest white girl and ask her.

And if you know anything about how the E! Red Carpet works, you know that only the big names get interviewed by Ryan.

Also, she appears to be front row and center during the actual Golden Globes, so like, sorry to all you working actors and actresses, but there's a new girl in town apparently.

SO WITH THAT KNOWLEDGE, LET'S DIVE INTO WHO *EXACTLY* ZENDAYA IS AND WHY SHE'S AT THE GOLDEN GLOBES.


Let's examine the first paragraph of her Wikipedia page, which is, like, the most important paragraph and the only one you read. In this graph, we learn that she's an actress, singer, dancer and model, and so am I apparently because I did this one time, which is more than Zendaya has ever done.


(Brett had to do this for a class and we had to do a diff style of acting or something idk but i'm a movie star)

We also learn in that graph that she was in a Kidz Bop video for Katy Perry's "Hot n Cold" so like I get why she's at the Golden Globes now. :| :| :|


Luckily, she escaped her Kidz Bop days and moved on to Disney Channel!!!!! And was in a show literally no one has ever heard of!!!! And I'm not just saying that because I haven't watched Disney Channel since High School Musical (get off me), but like when was the last time you heard a small child talking about a Disney show "Shake It Up?" Literally, never. They're always discussing Elsa and that show with the two moms, but literally no one has ever been like I LOVE ZENDAYA!! You know why? Because she's not real.


But to really make a name for herself, she went where every great before her did: DANCING WITH THE STARS!!! And nothing gets me going more than a dancer going on Dancing With The Stars and being like hahahah but it's different!!! Is it different, Mario Lopez? Is it different, Melissa Rycroft? Is it different, Nicole Schzinger idk spelling from Pussycat Dolls. And if you're a Disney kid, then you know how to dance. So she cheated. Zendaya is a cheater and now I am angry.

calming down. someone remind me to breathe.


Also, if you were unaware, Zendaya was in Tay's Bad Blood music video, which is great, but like, do we have to let everyone into the squad, Tay??????? Like at this point, I don't even want to be in it. Oh, cool, you have a squad of girls and a former Kidz Bopper is in it. Go ahead and let bloggers in, too. Like???????? Can we not?????? Can this not happen????????


Continuing on with her Wikipedia page, we learn that she put out an album that apparently was a huge success because I have zero of her songs in my library and I have literally never heard her sing a tune. So?????? Congrats on the album??????? And your voice was compared to JoJo? That's great. Leave, get out.

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