Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Happy birthday to my sister if you're even really my sister

bb just being ~crazy n sassy~

My sister's birthday is soon and she's turning 33 19 and she requested a blog post in her honor, so I'm not saying this is equivalent to Lululemon yoga pants, so I'll just let you say it's better than that and I'm off the hook for a birthday present.

People are always coming up to me, like, PMS, you have a sister? Is she single? Is she hot? And those people are always my guy friends who think they have a shot with my sister.

And then my real friends are always like, PMS, what is your sister like? Does she want to come out with us? Is she as annoying as you? Does she also have a blog? And the answer is no.

My sister, BB, and I could not be more different if we actually tried. And seriously, we're not even trying.

Type A vs Type B
As I'm writing this, I have 8 tabs open on my laptop, where I'm sitting next to half a dozen empty Dr Pepper cans, wondering when I'm going to start looking for that one W2 form to begin doing my taxes. However, as my sister is reading this, she's on her perfect couch surrounded by perfectly fluffed pillows while her perfect cat perfectly purrs next to her.

You see, my sister is organized and clean and I am not. My sister's closet is actually color-coded like an actual serial killer and sometimes I wonder how anyone has the patience to organize a closet like that. She brushes her teeth after every snack. She puts the dishes in the dish washer when she's done eating. Is she a robot????? Does anyone know????????? Help????


My sister has been maid of honor in like 15 weddings because people like her and they trust her with their big day because she's organized af. Me on the other hand, well, I have one friend and that one friend knows if they even mention a wedding when I'm in the same room as them, we are done because I hate them and also because I can barely remember to feed myself (kind of not kidding). My sister, however, welcomes it all and loves it and even knows what to do in a store like Hobby Lobby.

Movie choices

my sister's idea of a quality movie like this can't be real.
I always knew my sister and I were cut from a different cloth (wow v good analogy), but it was really driven home (wow still so good) when she actually suggested with her mouth and lips and tongue that we watch Grease 2. And she was serious. She had the actual nerve to look me in the eye and ask why I would watch Grease Live over Grease 2 and I said ma'am. No. And then when we couldn't agree on a Grease movie to watch, she forced me to watch the new Vacation movie and then rewinded this clip and made me watch it twice and I think I still have PTSD from it. The woman is mature and quick to offer up wise advice, but then she like laughs at a movie starring Christina Applegate and then you're just like???????????????????????????????

Dinner choices
My fridge is like a frat guy's fridge. There's some beer, some cheese, and some pink wine to keep the thirsty hoes happy. My sister's fridge is an actual Whole Foods because there is so much greenery in there you would think it was a scene from Into The Woods (hahahaha pls laugh). She eats organic things like kale and almond milk and Brussels sprouts, but the girl loves her double stuffed Oreos, so I guess it all evens out.

She's nice but like also really scary
The main difference between my sister and me is hands-down my sister's ability to react around people. You know how people are like, 'That person never meets a stranger!' Well, they are not talking about me because I think everyone is strange. My sister, however, can hold a conversation full of small talk with a stranger and then walk away from them and not say a mean thing about them. Like actually not say anything mean about them. Like actually.

Story time: I'm about to reveal my favorite BB (nice) story of all time. Are you ready. This is insider shit.

Setting: New York City, outside a Broadway musical, waiting to get Constantine Maroulis from Rock of Ages' autograph. It's snowing. We are cold.

People around us: Teenage girls and one woman who looks like the pigeon lady from Home Alone.

Pigeon Lady Sans Pigeons decides she wants to be our friend. I'm not into it, but BB is making small talk with her. We quickly learn she's seen Rock of Ages 36 times and waited for Constantine after every show. And that she goes to his soccer games to watch him.

I look to my father with wide eyes. BB remains calm. I at this point cannot keep it together. This is a full-blown stalker right in front of us and I am doing everything in my power to keep it together. Pigeon Lady Sans Pigeons is talking to BB and like a moment in time, PLSP says, "I asked Constantine out on a date, but he said no."

I swear on my life everything stopped. New York City stopped living for a split second. Taxi cabs halted. The Naked Cowboy got dressed. Everything in NYC heard this crazy woman. My entire world slowed down as I tried to stop from laughing, running, and dying.

My sister, like an angel from above, says to her, "What a diva he is."

And just like that BB had saved the entire family from the biggest awkward silence known to mankind. Like I genuinely don't know what I would have said. But BB came up with such a solid response in a matter of milliseconds that I still think about it to this day. Like, I would have just tweeted it if Twitter had been a thing, but BB saved us.

My second favorite BB (scary) story is one I've already blogged about where basically my apartment complex screwed me over and BB gave them an earful without actually saying anything at all.

Also everyone likes her more than me

Everyone wish her a happy birthday ok bye.

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