Saturday, February 6, 2016

The Choice is the worst movie I've ever seen

courtesy of entertainment weekly.

Wow. Where do I even begin besides fair warning to everyone: Do not go see The Choice. I already did, so you don't have to. This blog contains some spoilers, but like if you're shocked by anything in a Nicholas Sparks movie, then I'm praying for you.

This movie starts out like every other Nicholas Sparks movie where the main characters are in some Nicholas Sparks made-up town, not watching TV or tweeting or anything else believable. Instead, they are sailing and laughing and basking in the outdoors.

We meet Travis Shaw who is good looking and the only reason I wanted to see the movie.

Travis meets Gabby, a med student.

Boy meets girl

Travis and Gabby meet because Travis is throwing a party and his music is too loud for stick-up-her-ass Gabby. She literally marches over to Travis's backyard and demands he stop partying. Then she like refuses to introduce herself and then accuses his dog of knocking up her dog and it's all really bizarre and reminds me of sixth grade when I pretended to hate cute boys.

Because they are neighbors, Travis and Gabby begin to get to know each other over time and Travis even invites her out to one of his signature boat parties and that's where we see Gabby take off her sweater and reveal she is gifted in the chest area. This scene is particularly funny because it's the other women on the boat who encourage Gabby to take off her sweater "because it's 80 degrees out" and because I can't tell you how many times I've encouraged another woman to just take off her sweater. Well, three seconds later, Gabby is literally standing on a bench, taking off her shirt, one pose away from Maxim.

Travis says to his dog, "Oh, boy. We're in trouble."

Must be nice to be a woman in a Nicholas Sparks town and get the attention of the hottest male ever by literally just wearing a swimsuit even though you are annoying af.

Then Gabby is talking to Travis's sister, who I am 99 percent sure was wearing a wig the entire time, so maybe Nicholas Sparks casted a cancer patient in this movie as their dying wish, but I'm not sure why out of all the actors in the world, someone was chosen who had to wear a wig. Anyway, Gabby does that thing that all women do when they first get to know a guy and they try to "figure them out." Well Gabby did that and told Travis's sister, "Women give Travis anything he wants and he gives them just enough to keep them around. And he has that chair. That chair he sits in alone. There's only one chair because he's not ready to be with someone."

OH GOOD ONE, GABBY. YOU FIGURED OUT TRAVIS AND LITERALLY EVERY OTHER MALE IN THE WORLD. HEY, THIS JUST IN. MEN ARE SCARED OF COMMITMENT.



Boy gets girl
So then after the boat party, Travis invited Gabby to eat some red meat and she says that famous line from the trailer, "Has anyone ever said no to you?" And then she tells him no.

*20 minutes later*

They are literally making out and getting busy on her kitchen counter and it's like oh, ok, you are great at saying no, Gabby.

This is also the scene from the trailer where he walks slowly to her and it's the best scene and if you do happen to go see the movie, walk out after that scene because it's only downhill from there. THIS IS A PMS INSIDER TIP.



AND THAT'S WHAT FIVE HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS DID. FIVE HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS LITERALLY WALKED OUT OF THE THEATER. HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS. WHO HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN SMOKE CIGARETTES BEHIND SCHOOL BLEACHERS OR SEE NICHOLAS SPARKS MOVIES ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.

idk honestly if that's what high school girls do.

The overarching thing Travis says to Gabby is how she bothers him and honestly, she bothers me a lot, too. And also just as honestly, I bother a lot of men, too, but like, that's never worked to my advantage, so like MUST BE GREAT TO LIVE IN NICHOLAS SPARKS LAND WHERE BOTHERING MEN IS A GOOD THING.

Boy and girl have God talk
They are sitting outside staring at the moon and the stars and she says something along the lines of oh wow, God created this. Then he gets weird and says oh no, not the God talk. And then she says some really chic line like, 'If you explain all of this without a God, then I'll stop saying my prayers at night,' and then the convo is over. Also, like, is Nicholas Sparks a Christian??????? I could google it, but I don't want to.

clark kent goes to med school

Boy loses girl
She choses her rich doctor boyfriend over Travis. Oh, yeah. Did I mention she was cheating the entire time with the guy from Smallville who got really fat over the years. Well, she felt like zero guilt for it. lol. lol. el oh el i'm laughing cheating is funny.

Boy gets girl back
In the most bizarre scene in the history of cinema, Travis travels across the state and country and America to find Gabby. He somehow magically finds Gabby's parents' house and learns she broke off her engagement with hot doc fiance. Then, magically, like actual magic, Gabby's mom hands him her grandmother's wedding ring and he proposes and she says no a total of three times before finally saying yes, so yay true love.

Boy and girl age 13 years but absolutely nothing changes
They have kids and everything and nothing changes. Their hair stays the same and Gabby still doesn't wear makeup. It's amazing.

Boy never becomes a Christian
Idk, I was just looking forward to a baptism or something. Idk idk idk. Call me a hopeless romantic for Jesus. It's never addressed how they are raising their kids. Christian? Jewish? Atheist? I need to know????????????????

Boy has to make a Choice
Do you get it? That's why it's the movie's name. I don't want to reveal what 'the choice' actually is, but I'll give you some quotes from my friends.

"I mean the sad part was sad, but it was awful all together." -Kassidy

"I can't believe they casted either of them. He was not hot and she couldn't act." -Augusta

"Medically unrealistic. Why is there only one doctor in the hospital. Why is she just on NS. Why don't they try weaning her from the vent? Why is brain activity not the focus of the conversation. They guy got cuter throughout the movie, though." -Katie

"That movie is the embodiment of every Nicholas Sparks movie. I hated it as much as I hate Begin Again by Tay... With that said, I know every word of Begin Again and after about seven sick days, I'll know every word of The Choice. But, "Come home and bother me, baby" is the dumbest effing movie line of any movie ever." -Cayla

All together, the acting was very bad on Gabby's end. There was no chemistry between the two actors (probably because they're both married, what ever happened to casting two hot single people, so maybe they'll date off-screen). And the movie went from 0 to 100 in about two seconds. One moment, they hate each other, the next scene, they are making out, and then literally after spending two days together, Travis tells Gabby he loves her and to dump her doc boyfriend to him, a poor country boy.

All of this begs the question: Am I getting older or are Nicholas Sparks movies getting worse? Because, like, A Walk To Remember is a great movie and The Choice was not.

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