Sunday, March 27, 2016

Canker sores and Housewives will kill me


Jesus, our Lord and Savior, died on the cross for our sins. He was nailed to the cross, like actually tortured, and died. And then three days later, he was like lol, I'm here and then there was an empty tomb and damn Thomas didn't believe it so he made Jesus prove it and honestly, Thomases don't get any better 2,000 years later.

BUT MY POINT IS: JESUS DIED ON THE ACTUAL CROSS FOR MY SINS AND I CAN'T EVEN MAN UP AND TAKE THE COMMUNION BREAD AT CHURCH BECAUSE MOUTH CANKER SORES WILL KILL ME. I WILL DIE. BUT NOT IN A HEROIC WAY.

Mouth canker sores. Yes.

"PMS is so unashamed. If I ever had a mouth canker sore, I would be too embarrassed to tell anyone." -Cayla Jordan, 2:46 p.m. CT Easter Sunday 2016

Well here I am. Blogging about it. What is dignity. What is self-respect. What are boyfriends. What are men interested in you. I am dying. These are my final words.

Let's take it back about two weeks ago when I noticed by tongue didn't feel right. I thought I had eaten something really hot and that's what the pain was. And then I remembered that I only ever eat sandwiches and ice cream, so I ruled that out. So then I thought that the permanent retainer on the back of my bottom teeth was the cause of the pain.

So I put ice cubes on the sore and went on my merry way.

But then one Friday night I was drunk in Quarter Bar and decided I couldn't take the pain anymore. So I enlisted the help of my friend and with her medical device known as the iPhone 6 flashlight, she examined my tongue.


She looked at me horrified but diagnosed it a canker sore. Because Cayla works in insurance, I took her diagnosis as seriously as I would from a trained medical doctor.

So I read up on tongue canker sores. And by read up on them, I googled it once and read a paragraph on it. Stress causes them, which is literally so funny because let me just tell you why. Funny, funny, funny.

Stress. I wouldn't consider myself a normally stressful person. I'm a type B personality. My room is a mess. I haven't filed my taxes yet. I am a freelance journalist. Stress stress stress. Until I'm like actually stressed out and then my body goes into attack mode. It begins attacking me. I get cold sores. My eye begins twitching. I get sleep paralysis. I throw up. I die.

So adding canker sores to the list of "results from PMS stressing out" is not surprising. I'm not surprised at all. Unfazed. But when I tell you why I'm stressed out, you're going to close this tab, close your laptop, throw it out the window, and declare white girls the worst thing that ever happened to humankind. Because people going through chemo get canker sores. People with actual stresses get canker sores. So when I finally nailed down the real reason I was stressed out, I died of embarrassment from myself.

I'm stressed out about the Real Housewives of Dallas.




I know. I know. I hate myself, too. But like I mentioned earlier, I'm a freelance journalist and I've been assigned to cover all things RHOD and they are going to kill me. The coroner will list RHOD as the cause of my death. And the earth will explode. And everyone will die with me.

So with that information under our belt, I am seriously so proud if anyone is still reading, it's important to note what I've done to treat these canker sores.

  • I bought Orajel
  • I applied Orajel to my tongue every hour
  • I applied Orajel in bars
  • I applied Orajel in Ubers
  • I bought $10 mouthwash
  • I used the mouthwash
  • I gaged
  • I threw out my old toothbrush and got a new one
  • I still have canker sores.
  • In fact, I gained a new one on my tongue.

i sound like this girl from zoey 101 with orajel on my tongue

I am not exaggerating when I try to explain how bad the pain is, y'all. I know Jesus died on a cross, so it's painful to complain about anything, but here I am. Complaining about canker sores. So to try and numb the pain, I drank all weekend. I was never sober. I've been drunk for 100 hours straight, He is risen. I drank pink wine. I drank cider. I drank beer. I drank anything that made me forget about the pain. I died.



WELL WHAT DO YOU KNOW. ALCOHOL CAUSES CANKER SORES, HAPPY EASTER.

from the world wide web.

I am dead. I hate myself. I haven't eaten in days because it hurts too much. I couldn't take the bread during communion on Easter Sunday. Like, I don't even know if God is going to let me into Heaven because of it. Or if he's going to be like lol, really. I died for you and you can't eat bread?


It hurts to sing. I can't sing Taylor Swift in my car. I couldn't sing the worship music in church. It hurts sometimes to talk but I still manage to do it. It hurts. It all hurts. I'm dying.

If anyone has any recommendations on canker sore remedies, I'm all ears.

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