Sunday, March 20, 2016

So you want bangs, huh

Oh, you precious, precious peach.

Did Taylor Swift's Vogue 2012 Vogue cover have that much of an impact on you, too?

this photoshoot changed my life.

Or was it that time Michelle Obama changed the actual world and united countries by cutting her bangs?

Every generation has monumental moments that changed the course of history and all of those moments are when a celebrity cut their bangs. When my grandchildren ask how 2015 was, I'll tell them about the time Kim Kardashian got bangs.

But just because Kim K. got bangs, doesn't mean it's for you. I mean not EVERYTHING Kim K. does is for you. Do I really need to go into more detail here (yes, I'm talking about THAT time. That time she married a barking dog named Kris Humphries). Anyway, here's what you need to know about bangs:

They are hard

Bangs are a commitment and honestly if you're not ready to take that leap, then don't bother. They are not just a one-night stand. A hit it and quit it. A fling. They are a COMMITMENT. There's a reason they're called bangs. Because they make a BANGIN' impression (laugh). But really, you don't just get to lalala take a shower and hop out and go on your merry way. You have to like actually blowdry them and style them and coddle them until they are perfect.

They are not meant for naturally pretty girls

congrats u married justin timberlake too bad bangs look horrible on u
Girls with small to normal-sized foreheads: sit down. Bangs are not for you. You were blessed in the forehead department. That's ok because us girls with big foreheads just have big brains, so really, it all evens out. But just because you want to be a bang girl, doesn't mean you just get to be a bang girl. Bangs are not for the naturally pretty girls. I'm looking at you, Jessica Biel. It's honestly the seventh wonder of the world or something that Justin Timberlake is still with Jessica Biel after she got bangs because it just doesn't look great. And I can say that because I'm beautiful and I have a blog.

Don't get them in the summer

honest to god this is what you'll look like with summertime bangs.
Do you like sweaty hair sticking to your face while having a heatstroke? Do you like looking like Bachelor Ben Flajnik? Cool, then get straight-across blunt bangs during the summertime and try to tell me that women can't fight in combat because that ish is hard to maintain. You don't just wake up one hotass sweaty summer morning and think your bangs are going to look good throughout the day. I'm praying for you.

Change your personality

are you more of a zooey or emily. those are your only two options
Do you think men like Zooey D because of her bangs or do you think men love Zooey D because she has bangs and a quirky sense of humor? You can't be basic as hell with bangs. Nobody likes a bangs girl while she's wearing Kendra Scott. Choose a personality. Take a side. Are you Manhattan or Brooklyn? Are you Uptown or Deep Ellum? Are you Zooey D or her boring-ass sister Emily?

Good luck becoming a bangs girl. Sending you well wishes and positive vibes.

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