Thursday, March 31, 2016

Vulnerable States of Spray Tanning

Spray tans are great because for a short week, they convince people you are a person who goes outside and does something known as "sunbathing." Pale people know nothing about this, of course, because we burn. But spray tans give the illusion that we've been outside for longer than 19 seconds and that's why I believe in miracles.

The getting of the spray tan

It's a whole ordeal. It's about getting naked in front of a stranger so they can spray you with secret chemicals to make you look like a different nationality because we apparently love insulting God and his work. It's vulnerable. It's about applying the hand lotion perfectly so you don't end up with orange hands. It's about shifting your body perfectly so the spray tan lady can get in every nook and cranny that is your body but still acting and looking like a southern lady in the small fabric that they try to call underwear. It's about not inhaling when she sprays your face so you don't die from the anthrax that is probably in the concoction they make in the back of the salon.

The getting to know your spray tan lady
Whoever says your hairstylist or therapist knows the most about you has never gotten a spray tan. The spray tan person has seen you naked and afraid. And because there's nothing worse than an awkward silence during a spray tan, you know where the spray tan lady went to school, what she had for dinner, her future goals, who her kids are dating, and all of her daddy issues.

The leaving of the spray tan place

There are walks of shame and then there is leaving the spray tan salon. Good luck knowing the difference. Because if you want your spray tan to last, then leaving the spray tan place without shoes and a bra on is a must. And good luck keeping any sort of dignity as you walk outside and see the entire Gayborhood looking at your almost-brown complexion and wondering why.

The waiting for the shower time

Most spray tans make you wait a few minutes or hours or days (depending on what Hindu magic you signed up for) before showering. This is for the spray tan to settle in and seep into your pores and soul and completely transform your nationality like the Rachel Dolezal you are. During this time you can't do anything. Cancel everything. Cancel all plans. Cancel all phone calls. You're vulnerable and can't trust yourself to touch or do anything. You must rely on friends to open containers and wipe your butt. You will be sticky and touching anything is off limits. Have fun for the next two hours laying down and thinking about your life.

The shower time
It's an actual murder scene. You're a murderer. You will be convicted of murder if a cop happens to see your shower after you're done, which would be really weird, idk why that's a thing. So good luck. Orange everywhere. Just orange going down the drain. You will freak out and think all of your spray tan came off and you'll be half right, but just trust the system.

The spray tan itself
Rejoice because people think you're attractive. Take all the photos to put them all over the Facebook because it won't last forever.

The week after
After a week with said spray tan, it will eventually wear off or chip off or you will scrub it off and then people will become sad because you will once again be the sad white girl you were before. Praying 4 u.

I blogged 21 times this month, so I suggest you read them all if u wanna be my friend.


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