Tuesday, April 19, 2016

WHO IS SHE


I met a man named Patrick on Saturday night and after he told me he respected my sense of humor, I ran this blog post idea past him and he liked it. So if you think this blog is especially stupid, take it up with Patrick, not me. I don't have Patrick's contact info, but I know his name is Patrick, he works as a Nike store manager, he lives in Uptown, and he told me his name was Jimmy at the beginning of the night. It's amazing what I can remember even after three beers and three sleeps.

But I want to share a test with my dear readers. The test is called WHO IS SHE and it's what you do to man to see if he has a sense of humor. There are a lot of tests you can run by a male to see if he knows how to pass your tests. This is a good thing to do if you like being a bitch and having random tests that no man can ever pass so you will always have something to complain about.

Listen. Men test women all the time. I can't tell you how many times a man has opened my car door and not unlocked his door to see if I lean over and unlock his before he can. And I almost always forget about this rule until five weeks later and I'm wondering why he hasn't called back and I think OMG I DIDN'T PASS THE TRUCK-UNLOCK-THE-DOOR TEST. DANG IT, PMS.

But this test I'm about to present is the most absurd and I promise you no man can pass it and that's why it's funny.

WHO IS SHE.

LITERALLY WHO IS SHE.

TELL ME WHO SHE IS.

This is where you yell WHO IS SHE to a male as soon as he gets a text message. Or when he looks at another female. Or when he talks about his mother. Or when he's in the bathroom too long.

Possible responses from men:

He says "no one" and turns his phone face down
Red alert, call 911, alert the army, because there is actually another woman and while you were just joking, it's clear he isn't. It's a scary world out there, ladies. Praying for you.

He laughs
This is the best possible scenario because he can take a joke and that's nice.

He is confused and asks you about it the rest of the night and you have to keep explaining that it was just a joke, try lightening up, take a Xanax, please.
It's hard.

"My mom"
Then you respond, "She sounds like a whore."



Thank you and goodnight.

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