Thursday, May 12, 2016

All The Douchey Men of The Bachelorette


There was a time when I was drunk at Texas Roadhouse in Garland, Texas, when I was begging my friend at itsfineimfine.com to blog The Bachelorette.

She said no.

I said oh.

She said you do it.

I drunkenly said ok.

So here we are. I am going to attempt to blog this season of The Bachelorette featuring none other than our fellow Dallas girl JoJo Fletcher.

To start things off, let's get to know her suitors and rank them on a 4-point PMS scale.

The more PMS faces the dude gets, the douchier I think they are.

This is fun. Let's begin.

Alex
Let's start this out with a 4-point rating on the douche scale. I hate anyone whose favorite movie is Troy, I hate anyone who has family-related tattoos, and I especially hate anyone who sees themselves running a business with their twin in five years.

Chad
I chose him second because I appreciated his beard and then I read what he had to say for himself and he's like every other gorgeous guy in the world with a beard. Really, really into himself. The questions keep asking him who he would want to eat dinner with, and who he wants to be and he keeps saying "me in 10 years, alright, alright, alright" which has to be some Matthew McConagay joke I'm not getting. And also, it's all right, not alright, I hate this man. 3 PMS Douche Faces.

Jordan
I thought for sure I would hate this guy just based on the fact that he's the lil bro of football star Aaron Rodgers. But then I read what he had to say for himself and when asked what's the craziest thing he's ever done in the bedroom, he responded, "tried to hang a TV on the ceiling with a stud finder" and I giggled. I like dat. If JoJo marries this fool, she'll be sisters-in-law with Olivia Munn, everyone's favorite Japanese news reporter turned actress.

Nick
This guy is by far my favorite of the bunch because I like his face and his attitude and the fact that he likes the movie The Sandlot and he was an Eagle Scout so he was a dork at one point, so he doesn't expect this woman to be ultra cool because he's been really uncool at some point in his life, and he looks feminine even though he says he has chased a mountain lion. With all this said, he will probably end up being the biggest douche in the house or get really wasted the first night and then I'll be left feeling dumb LIKE MOST OF MY RELATIONSHIPS IM FINE.

Wells
JK I AM ACTUALLY IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN AND HIS FACE. He's a radio DJ and hopes to be syndicated soon (HASHTAG DREAM BIG GOALS I ALSO WANNA WRITE FOR NY MAG). He says he has wit and his dream date includes wine and cheese so like he's feminine. I'm fine, I'm in love, wow.

Daniel
Lol, this man's biggest date fear is when the girl embarrasses him in the restaurant, which is literally the funniest thing I've heard in awhile because there is not a man on this planet who I have not embarrassed in some form or fashion. This guy is also a male model, so like congrats, how is it in fantasy world because lol. He doesn't have tattoos because you don't put a sticker on a lambo and says he isn't a romantic but has good manners, so I hate this guy.

Coley
I wanted to like this guy because he has a very inviting smile, a smile that says, I'm here for you, girl, but then he said 4th of July is his favorite holiday because of 'Merica and then I just couldn't. Everyone knows 4th of July is in the top 2 worst holidays along with Thanksgiving, but nice try, Coley. He also likes the Harry Potter books, so like, great, 5th grade is awesome, have fun there. I can say all of this because I once watched Grease Live twice in the same day.

James Taylor
Well this guy has an American flag tattoo, so like, I hate myself just thinking about that. And then when asked what he would want on a deserted island, he didn't say a boat, so I hate anyone who doesn't answer that question correctly. And then finally, he referred to his father as "daddy" and I'm already throwing up. Also, he's a singer/songwriter who goes by James Taylor, so good luck playing at the Bluebird Cafe in Nashville for the rest of your life, I guess.

Christian
Christian's best friend of the opposite sex is his mother, which is sweet I guess, if you're into mama's boys and becoming friends with Mark Cuban is something that is actually on his bucket list and I can't tell if he's kidding or not, so that's frightening. Mark Cuban once RTed an article I wrote, so hate to make this about me, Christian, but I think I hate you.

Will
I like this guy because he likes to dance and he doesn't like to talk about super serious things on the first date and I can respect that. He likes it when his date is able to make fun of herself, which is literally this entire blog, so hello, Will, I'm here.

I didn't blog all the men because there's only so much douche a woman can take.

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