Thursday, May 5, 2016

How to fake it as a Beyonce fan

There are two types of people in the world. Taylor Swift fans and Beyonce fans. These fans rarely share a circle in a Venn diagram. I'm also not positive that's what the diagram is called, but you know what, googling is hard. Now, don't get me wrong. Taylor Swift fans respect Beyonce. We will always remember Sept. 13, 2009. The day Kanye interrupted Tay and then Bey won the award and then Bey called Tay out on stage to let her have a moment oh wow getting emotional just thinking about it.


I can't speak for whether Beyonce fans respect Taylor Swift, however, because calling myself a Bey fan is a bit of a stretch. But I've faked it for many years because I have friends who worship her and honestly I'm just scared of her fanbase, the Beyhive.


scariest moment of my adult life.
I like Beyonce. I respect her. I'm scared of her. I'm halfway convinced she's the antichrist.

Possible antichrist candidates:

  1. Oprah
  2. Taylor Swift
  3. Beyonce
BUT I'M HERE TO TEACH YOU YOUNG LADS HOW TO FAKE IT IN A BEYONCE-OBSESSED WORLD. I'VE BEEN DOING IT MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE. UR WELCOME IN ADVANCE.

Choose a Beyonce conspiracy theory to obsess over


I'm not sure this is something the Beyhive actually does, but it's fun, so just let it happen enjoy yourself. I personally love the conspiracy theory that she didn't give birth to Blue Ivy and I will go to my grave believing that, in fact my tombstone will read "Bey had a fake pregnancy" but that's just me. There are other conspiracy theories you can choose, like Jay didn't really cheat, Solange is Blue's mother, she's the antichrist, or she steals choreography. Good luck.

Learn the Single Ladies dance


This is basic Beyonce 101 stuff that all women do, but you can pass it off as you know all the moves because you are a big fan. Watch the video over and over again and perfect those moves, gurl.

Buy Ivy Park workout clothes
They are at Nordstroms and my friend wrote an entire actual blog about it. You don't have to work out in them because lol does Bey even work out, has anyone ever seen Bey work out, has anyone ever seen Bey just like out and about, is she a robot, i'm done.

Cry during Lemonade


It's emotional, it's raw and you're not sure if Jay really cheated, but you are invested nonetheless. Becky with the good hair is the actual devil and it's time to kill someone.

Troll Rachael Ray's social media accounts


You know Becky with the good hair is not actually Rachael Ray, it's Rachael Roy, but yolo, this is funny, she cooks food for a living, her hair isn't that great and pls for a moment envision Jay and Rachael Ray together and die laughing.

Buy Bey tickets
All it took was half a margarita for me to be like, yes, yes, I will go to a Beyonce concert, even though I only know like three songs and one of those is a song she did for the Pink Panther movie. Go all out. Really convince everyone you're a true Bey fan.

Good luck.

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