Monday, May 23, 2016

The Bachelorette Episode 1: JoJo has never been on the Internet

i stole this idea from itsfineimfine.com i have no original thots

Everyone take my hand.

What I'm about to do no other blog has done before. I'm going to recap The Bachelorette.

OK, so like every other blog on the planet recaps this show and some are funny and some are really unfunny. I wanted my friend at itsfineimfine.com to do it, but she refused, so now I'm doing it.

For the country.

For the troops.

I'm basically Bob Hope.

Also Hot Neighbor is here watching it with me. He spilled his red wine. He's nervous.

The premiere episode starts out going over what happened with Bachelor Ben last season and it's all very sad. Except when you think about that time her ex Chad went to InTouch and said JoJo didn't really have feelings for Ben and that as soon as she got back to Dallas, she started hooking up with him. Look, if you don't believe me, go straight to the mag for yourself.

Rabbit trail. Back to the Ben and JoJo flashback.

"He said he would never blindside me, but I feel very blindsided right now." WELCOME TO DATING, JOJO. WELCOME TO LIFE. WELCOME TO HELL.

"The days and weeks following my breakup with Ben were very difficult for me."


The first part of this episode is basically just JoJo getting ready to meet the men. She walks on the beach to show off how perfect her body is. We get it. JoJo is hot. And...



JoJo has long brown hair with some blonde in it, a flat stomach, big boobs, nice butt, and the perfect lips. They're not too big, but they are big enough so she can wear lipstick and not have any issues.



I can see why she's having such a hard time dating.

Now she's driving up in a baby blue Malibu Barbie car and it's all too much. We're, like, 20 minutes into this sode and I already can't with her.

She pulls up to the Bachelor mansion to get advice from previous Bachelorettes. We've got them all. Kaitlyn, Desiree, and Ali. Kaitlyn has little arms and hands and it's weird. Ali is pregnant. Desiree. I want to like her but she strikes me as a boyfriend girl. JoJo asks about kissing the guys on the first night and all of them are like yeah! do it! who cares! They all say they kissed on the first night and yet I don't remember a single one of them doing that. At all.

"Kaitlyn has midget arms." -KK

"But she has sick Converse, though." -Hot Neighbor

Kaitlyn asks JoJo if she's ready to get engaged and she says hail yes, let's do this. JoJo is younger than me and I have an open bottle of champagne sitting out from two weeks ago. Can't imagine being put together enough to marry someone.

I wonder what Caila is thinking/doing right now.

"Caila, you're not the Bachelorette." -producers the week before filming was supposed to begin.

pretending to be ok.

Whatever. Let's meet the men in their pre-packaged packages. Wut.

First one is Grant, 28, San Francisco
Do you ever date someone and then they break your heart and so for the rest of your life, if you meet someone with the same name as said heartbreaker, you just automatically hate them? Me neither. Grant seems gr8.

Jordan, idk how old, Hot Neighbor was talking



He's the little brother of Aaron Rodgers. I know the name but it means nothing to me. He's telling his sob story about how hard it is being the little brother of a famous football player and he's sitting on bleachers with no one around him and it's raining and it's as tragic as you think it is. He chose football over love. "Now I'm in a place where I'm ready to make love... a priority." I swear there was a pause between those two words where I actually thought he was just saying he was ready to make love.

Alex, 25, Oceanside, California
He's driving a motorcycle. Says he felt lost during college so he enlisted in the Marine Corp. Could anyone be any less of my type. I hate the way he walks.

James, 27, Phoenix
He's a bachelor super fan and has watch parties every week and fills out a bracket. It's stupid. This guy won't last past episode 2.

"I thought about doing a bracket, too." -Hot Neighbor

Evan, 33, Nashville
This guy is a former preacher and now a penis doctor and creepy. "It's a hard business." This guy is secretly gay.

Ali, 27, Santa Monica
This guy is hot but he plays the piano and reads, so I doubt he would think this blog is funny. He has a little bitch dog. Winston is not impressed.

"I'm not attracted to him." -KK

"Really? He seems like a pretty good-looking guy. He has a bright future. But he surfs, plays the piano and walks a dog. So he's sort of a catch." -Hot Neighbor

Christian, idk how old, LA
This guy is everyone's worst nightmare. He says he's motivated because he gets to the gym at 0430 each morning. He's been through a lot because he grew up biracial. His white dad's side of the family didn't know he existed. He lives with his two little brothers. They're drinking water without any ice. Stressed out.

Luke, 31, Hill Country
He's a country boy from a small town. He learned "small town lessons." Was in the military. He's lost friends. Need his opinion on Chris Kyle. Luke is growing on me and I hate country boys who served in the military. Need everyone's prayers rn. He's leaning up against a red barn and I'm into it. Who am I.

"Look at that! One foot up pose." -Hot Neighbor

All the men are about to meet JoJo. Everyone hold on. Grab a glass of wine. Scared.

JoJo arrives in her limo.

Let's check in with Caila again.



Men in order:
Jordan- First out of the limo. This means producers think he has a real shot. Other contestants who were first out of the limo: Sean during Emily's season, Lauren B. during Ben's season, Chantal during Brad's season, Britt during Chris's season. Jordan is cute. It's stressful.
Hot Neighbor has a lot of theories about older brother Aaron coming in and swooping JoJo off her feet.
Derek- He tells JoJo she has a good sense of self, whatever that means.
Grant- Says he won't fall in love with two girls, just her, dumb joke, but she thinks it's sweet.
James- "I didn't come here for a rose. I came here for a relationship." Vomit.
Robby- She says, "Hey, handsome." JoJo likes pretty boys. I respect that. Makes her drink wine straight from the bottle because that's what her mom did last season. Respect.
Alex- He's short.
Will- He tries to make a joke by getting his notecards out of order and it's funny, but I don't think JoJo got that he was joking. Already can't with JoJo. I deserve Will.
Chad- She is so taken aback by this name because a Chad broke her heart once. Chad doesn't stand a chance. But she thinks he's hot.
Daniel-
He makes a Damn Daniel joke, but says, 'Damn JoJo. Back at it again as The Bachelorette' and I don't think JoJo gets it. JoJo doesn't deserve this title as Bachelorette. He hugs her with one arm so he can keep his other hand in his pocket on his gun because he's a murderer.
"One-arm hugs?? Are you kidding me??" -Hot Neighbor
Ali- He was really nice and used the word "awestruck." I like him.
James Taylor- He sings a sweet song while getting out of the limo and then says his name and JoJo yells "James??" in the most hick accent. Wait I like James? I know I made fun of him before but I like him. Also: I'm gonna get Will and James confused so fair warning.
Jon- He shows up in a kilt. I can't. He makes a penis joke. It doesn't land. JoJo says his outfit is "ballsy." Idk if she meant for the pun or not.
St. Nick- Wears Santa costume. Makes a hohoho joke but saying 'jojojo.' Also someone told me that JoJo's nickname in high school was HoHo so she probably doesn't like this joke. I have mad respect for this man.
Chase- Wears a mustache clip sunglasses thing.
Jake- Black architect
Sal- Brings her blue balls and tells her to squeeze them.





Brandon- His job title is Hipster. Into it strangely.
James S.- Says he's nervous
Nick- He does the splits and starts dancing with her.
Vinny- Has toast
Peter- Has stuffed heart
Evan- Says, "My god bless America, how's it going girlie," he is so gay.
Wells- "You are so out of my league it's ridiculous." He brought All for One. I could not be more in love with Wells if I tried.
"I can see why you're into him." -Hot Neighbor
Christian- Rolls up on motorcycle, JoJo says, "I feel a bad boy," I kill myself.
Luke- Comes in on a horse with a thing on its head to make it a unicorn. Ugh do I like Luke.

All the guys are here. They are discussing JoJo and how hot she is.



"We're not worthy"
"She's hottest Bachelorette ever"
"She's in the unicorn section. Not crazy and all hot."

Cool. But does she have a blog. Is she funny. Let's find out.

Alex is first to steal her away and all the men are mad about it and I don't understand what they thought they were here to do.

I appreciate JoJo because she is very engaged with these guys. Making eye contact and touching them. She is...



Quite the tease because she's going to send all but one home. I respect that.

All the guys are talking about how nervous they are. And I get it. Guys are always nervous to talk to me and that's why guys never approach me while I'm out.

She's connected yet not feeling a connection with any of these guys. She's literally sitting there and faking all the conversations. It's literally me on any date ever. Sometimes I fake laugh so well, I'll go home and genuinely not know if I had a good time or not because I did so well at fooling myself.

BUT THERE IS A GOD because she sits down with NFL Jordan and birds start singing. JoJo is so happy listening to him blab about his life and sports. Blab blab blab touchdown media growing up.

Will does that orgami thing from the third grade and makes her kiss him and it's basically rape and she hates it. And says to him that hopefully their kisses get better. Then Jordan sweeps in.

THEN THEY KISS AND IT'S LIKE AN ACTUAL ROMANTIC COMEDY AND STOP THE SEASON NOW. JORDAN IS GONNA WIN. THIS IS TOO EASY. I REMEMBER WHEN I MET MY FUTURE HUSBAND.


"He's into her. Just like his tongue. Just kidding. There was no tongue." -Hot Neighbor

Then she ruins the moment by walking away and saying something about his butt. I hate butts.

Little segment with JoJo and Wells and the acapella group and Wells is cute and charming and funny and JoJo doesn't deserve him. I'm mad.

Hot Neighbor is Tindering for KK and I'm distracted.

I just took a sip of water and drooled it out. I have no idea why I'm not the Bachelorette.

I could never be the Bachelorette because my hair doesn't curl.

Sorry. Back to the show.

JoJo sits down with Chad and he takes down other women to compliment her. "You're confident unlike other women. Most women are too concerned with themselves." I hate Chad.

JoJo and Daniel. He explains his Damn Daniel joke. She says, "Someone made a video saying 'Damn JoJo?'"



HAHA PRETTY GIRLS ARE SO NAIVE. He explains no, they said Damn Daniel. JoJo has never been on the Internet. Pretty girls don't have to get on the Internet for interaction with people. Must be nice.

Then all of a sudden Daniel is drunk and poking men's belly buttons and we've literally all been there. No seriously. Classic PMS move -- getting drunk and poking belly buttons. Then he gets naked and jumps in the pool and someone says Damn Daniel. It's rly funny. JoJo wouldn't get it. Pretty girls don't need the internet.

JoJo is now in her confessional and Nick crashes it with a glass of water and I literally called this. I said I was most attracted to Nick so he was going to be the drunk one. And what do you know. Then Vinny crashes the party. Nick and Vinny are so drunk. JoJo is having flashbacks to being at the Trophy Room surrounded by drunk douches.

JoJo and James Taylor time- He is being very sweet, and his brother is from Uptown and JoJo is like lol, have I made out with him.

JoJo and Luke- He bought her cowboy boots and it's apparent JoJo has never worn cowboy boots in her in life. JoJo says Luke has a silent, sexy confidence.

JoJo leaves Luke and walks into the room with all the men and they all stand when she walks in and I love that. She grabs the first impression rose and everyone is super nervous. In a move that is as shocking as Ellen Page coming out of the closet, JoJo gives Jordan the first impression rose. First out of the limo. First impression rose. This man is gonna win AND NO I HAVE NOT READ REALITY STEVE THIS SEASON. She says she is excited about Jordan and did not expect to kiss him the first night. Lol. Lying is hard. Then Jordan and his perfect face says he was scared of going home the first night. Lol. Lying is hard.

Chris Harrison walks in the room and announces it's rose ceremony time. Everyone is nervous.

"Do they not use real roses?" -Hot Neighbor is concerned about this.

Just before JoJo starts to hand out the first rose, JAKE PAVELKA WALTZ IN.

I interviewed Pavelka once and he was super weird. Read about it here. Self-promotion, amirite.

Anyway, Pavelka gives her advice because they are family friends. Apparently all Bachelors and Bachelorettes from Dallas know one another. Where is Sean Lowe?? Where is Jeremy Anderson? I think that's his name? Where is Carly and Zak Waddell?

BACK TO THE ROSE CEREMONY
Who gets roses in order: Luke, Wells, James Taylor, Grant, Derek, Christian, Chad...

"God, get Chad out of there. He's a big chadhole." -Hot Neighbor

...Chase, Alex...

"He's got that Zac Efron look." -Hot Neighbor

...Robby, Brandon, James F., Ali, St. Nick, Will, James S., Vinny, Evan, Daniel.

PREVIEW FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON: Horses, planes, cliff diving, kissing, hugging, kissing, kissing in the ocean, falling in love, dancing, bad boys, kissing up against a wall, Aaron Rodger's little brother, girlfriends before the season, drinking, fighting, punching a door, bad boys, drinking, fighting, blood, FIGHTING, CRYING, I JUST WANNA FIND SOMEONE THAT LOVES ME, MORE CRYING, red dresses, red lips, kissing on a boat, tattoos, Thailand, kissing underneath water, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.

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