Wednesday, June 1, 2016

How To Lose A Guy In 10 minutes



*the person I went on the date with wanted me to title it that, so*

This is a story of how to lose a date in 10 minutes. This is a story of seeing real-life breathing reality stars in the flesh in public. This is my story.

A male picked me up for a date at 7 p.m. CT. I finished up some work while he waited and played on his phone and I checked over his shoulder so I could occasionally blurt out WHO IS SHE.

We arrived at Snuffers on Greenville because I had previously made it known that I wanted a beer (or two) and cheese fries and I wasn't going to settle for some shitty bar cheese fries. I wanted the real deal.

We sat down and my date faced the door because I force dates to do that and I faced the people. I scanned the area and soon I spied a big table of adults and children. All of them but one had bright blonde hair.

I suddenly made the connection. It was Sean Lowe and his wife, Catherine, sitting at the table about 15 feet from me. They were with Sean's family.

I gasped.

I dropped my mouth.

I yelled, "OMG, IT'S SEAN LOWE."

My date looked at me, then looked over his shoulder, as to say, what's the matter with you.

I said, "It's Sean Lowe. You know from The Bachelor."

The waiter then arrived. I said, "I'll have a Dos Equis and a Sean Lowe. What"

He said, "What."

My date said, "What."

I said, "Look it's Sean Lowe and his wife!"

My waiter looked and sounded confused. I became annoyed.

The waiter and my date made me explain everything. I somewhat calmly in the way that's not calm at all said SEAN AND CATHERINE LOWE ARE IN THE PERIMETERS EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.

The waiter continued to ask what I was talking about.

My date got out his phone and began tweeting. I know this because he was grinning while typing and when I continually asked WHO IS SHE, he kept grinning.

I tried one last time to explain to the waiter that Sean Lowe was the Bachelor, you know from the show called The Bachelor, only the most popular show on network television, and he is from Dallas and the woman he chose in the end, he ended up marrying and living a real Snuffers-filled life with her.

The waiter said, "I'll have your beers right out" and walked away.

I began scheming. I texted my friends.



At this point, I am acting like Sean and Catherine are the Royal Couple. They're the Royal Couple of Dallas.



I thought about whether I should approach the couple or not.

I looked around and saw no one else cared that these two people were in the same room as them.

I thought about what to tweet Sean and Catherine.

I tweeted the best thing I could come up with.



I put my head in my hands at the tragicness of that tweet. It wasn't funny or clever or anything remotely good.

I tuned out my date.

"I have leukemia." -my date

"I wonder what they're eating." -me

My date tweeted again.

Sean got up to use the potty. I stared at him as he passed me.

I said to my date, "It's fine. When they're leaving, I'll just introduce myself to them. I've written about them, like a million times (one time) (and then this blog), (and then my review of Sean's book). It will be professional. I'm a journalist after all."

I said, "But don't embarrass me."

He said, "What."

I said, "Don't embarrass me."

"Oh, ok. I won't do that."

He then proceeded to put a napkin on top of his face and said, "This won't embarrass you, will it?"



I said, "OMG NOT NOW."

Sean Lowe and Catherine exited. I started to stand to stop them.

They maneuvered to not walk past me.

I died.

Sean liked my tweet.

But didn't respond.

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