Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The Bachelorette Episode 3: Do I hate JoJo

i stole this from twitter im sorry wat do u want from me
Greetings, love children. I am sorry this is a day late. I have no excuse besides I just didn't feel like watching it last night. But then I received a comment on my episode 2 recap that really motivated me, so here I am.

P.S. Blogging a TV show really, really, really makes you hate the TV show. But here I am. Doing it. For the people.

THIS IS JUST PART 1 OF 2 NIGHTS IS ANYONE READY I ALREADY WANNA DIE.

Did The Bachelorette change its font in the logo? Deep thoughts.

The episode starts out and the house is a mess and everyone is mad at Chad because good guys got sent home. Chad and Daniel are bonding over working out and it's all riveting TV.

First date: Chase "Let's get physical"
James Taylor reads the date card out loud, revealing Chase is the lucky guy. He then says the theme of the date, "Let's get physical" and Chase says, "Can I get my hands on that thing?" and I thought he was talking about JoJo's ass but I guess he meant the card because the guys then passed him the date card I guess for his scrapbook one day.

Wow, I spent too much time on that one little line.

They head to a yoga studio, which is my personal hell. Is a basic guy exists, it's Chase. He's like every guy in a pickup truck ever. He probably thinks Step Brothers is really funny and drinks Miller Lite and tells girls he's a good ole boy.

They do something called an anger-gasm and it's so stupid, it's painful.

BACK AT THE MANSION. Chad and Daniel are working out and everyone is mad about it. Evan makes a joke about Chad and Daniel falling in love, which is funny because Evan is most def gay.

BACK TO THE DATE. JoJo and Chase are now straddling each other during yoga and JoJo's fake eyelashes are long. And then Chase can't take it any longer and just goes for it and makes out with her.

"I feel safe in his arms." -JoJo. lol k.



DATE NIGHT. JoJo says she has felt connected to Chase, aka she has been on top of him in a yoga studio, so k.

"Getting engaged is a scary situation no matter what." -a 26yo frat guy who doesn't want to grow up. Yet, JoJo likes it because JoJo has never been with a man who knows what he wants. It's incredible. This is all so humorous.

JoJo gives him the rose even though there is absolutely no chemistry between them. It's amazing what JoJo will do if she thinks a guy is just a little bit attractive. They go outside to find 1/3 of Lady A, Charles Kelley, which is cool I guess. Would have preferred Brad Paisley. Or Blake Shelton. Or Hunter Hayes. Or literally anyone else.

"I can see a future with Chase." -JoJo. No, he has broad shoulders, which makes a man seem like a good mate. Put down the wine and think, JoJo.

BACK AT THE MANSION. Ali reads the group date card: Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad. "Love has no secrets."

Chad is mad and says he doesn't want to go because he has to be with all the other dudes. Jordan is mad at this and says something like, what, bro.

I get a text from Dalton Domino.


Now Alex and Chad are bickering. It's amazing. Evan is sipping and watching. Jordan is hot.

GROUP DATE. The guys are headed to the date in a limo 10 sizes too small for all of them. Wells sips water and says nothing and yet is perfect.

The date is Sex Talks, a storytelling show about revealing sex stories/secrets.

I hate JoJo for choosing this as a date. Like I really, really hate her.

Jordan looks completely terrified. And JoJo is sitting next to him and keeps laughing at the stories and touching him and his face is the same.



Evan, the penis doctor, is excited.

I'm not.

Chad doesn't want to participate. Daniel is like c'mon, bro.

All the guys tell their stories and JoJo is laughing hysterically. Evan doesn't tell a sex story. Instead, he just, like, roasts Chad. This isn't Comedy Central, you're not a comedian, but ok.

Chad calls JoJo up on stage and says it's not about the past and tries to kiss her and she turns her cheeks and everyone applauds and it's so bizarre. Chad is so mad. We've all turned our cheek to a roid-filled guy and it's always scary. Chad is shoving Evan.

"It was all in good fun, bro." -Evan

JOJO IS STILL CALLING NICK SANTA AND I THINK THAT IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER. Sometimes I call guys daddy to embarrass them in public and I think it's the funniest thing ever. So finally JoJo and I have something in common. Thx for praying.

forever st. nick im sorry sux to sux

Jordan and JoJo sit down. Jordan is talking and JoJo is sipping her whiskey and Diet Coke and not listening to him. Jordan says he hasn't had this feeling in a long time while her perfect legs are draped over him.

Alex and JoJo sit down. Alex says he is ride or die for her. Cool.

Vinny and JoJo. He tries on a fringe jacket. Idk what's happening.

Wells and JoJo. WELLS IS SO TUTE HE JUST GOT LIKE 4 SECONDS ON SCREEN AND I'M MAD. MAD I TELL YOU.

All the guys are sitting around talking to Chad and he is getting mad. I'm bored. I'm hungry.

BACK TO THE MANSION. A date card comes. It's for James Taylor. "Let's kick it old school"
JT is so humbled. He is so moved. He might cry.

BACK TO THE GROUP DATE. Chad and JoJo. He is literally sitting there and telling her he is a bully and yet she doesn't listen. All she can remember is the one time he was sweet when he was talking about his dead mother. It's amazing. Evan comes to interrupt it and Chad is not pleased.

Evan and JoJo. JoJo's body language with him is not great. Her hand is on his shoulder but not in a romantic way. Evan says if Chad stays, I'm gone. JoJo is so overwhelmed because she is pretending to be interested in Evan, a preacher turned penis doctor. I would give up donuts before JoJo would ever date Evan. It's humorous she's even pretending at this point.

I still have 30 minutes left of this show. I cannot go on.

JoJo steals Evan away with the rose in her hand like the biggest tease in all of America. She gives him the rose and he mentions something about his kids.

ARE YOU READY TO BE A STEPMOM, JOJO. ARE YOU WORTHY, JOJO. IT'S NOT ALL FUN N GAMES. I WOULD KNOW. I WENT ON A DATE ONCE WITH A GUY WHO HAS A KID SO I'M BASICALLY A STEPMOTHER.

They come back to the group and Chad is so taken aback that Evan got the rose.

"You're actually right now vibing this dude," says Chad, says all of America, says God.

JoJo is mad at Chad in her leather jacket and I'm having flashbacks to Emily Maynard getting mad in her leather jacket and I wish JoJo was Emily Maynard.



BACK AT THE MANSION. Derek is scared to sleep next to Chad. Luke eats a protein bar. So now there is a security guard watching Chad and that is the one true This Show Is Fake moment. Like, sure Charles Kelley is performing a concert in a park. But, no, don't make me believe a security guard is actually needed to protect Derek against Chad.

JOJO AND JT'S DATE. They are going to a swing dancing lesson from a woman named Jean. She tells us she fell in love with her dance partner.

JT has the cutest curls. JT is cute. I'm fine.

BACK AT THE MANSION. The security guard is still there.

BACK TO THE DATE. JoJo and JT are having a jolly good time. Just a jolly good time. Can't wait for them to go to the corner drug store and sit down for a pop cola and share it with red and white striped straws and it's just so much fun y'all.

JT is dancing and I'm a little turned off.

They are dancing in an area that looks like the area outside Texas Tech's library. Between the library and the SUB. The Free Speech area. My roommate agrees.

Brad just brought me 10 Jack in the Box tacos and I can't think straight now.

JT tells JoJo that he wasn't cute when he was 12 and somehow that is relevant to this date. WE WERE ALL UGLY WHEN WE WERE 12, WELCOME TO ADOLESCENCE, BRO. IF YOU PEAK WHEN YOU'RE 12, THEN YOU'RE DONE. The girl who peaked in middle school is now a waitress at Hooters, so. AND I HAVE A BLOG CALLED JUST PMSING HAHAHAHAHAhelp.

JT then pulls out a guitar and sings JoJo a song and Brad, my roommate and me just had a 10-minute talk on how we feel about that. How do you feel about it? Tweet me with the hashtag #PMSGuitarDiscussion

BACK AT THE MANSION. Chris Harrison announces no cocktail party,  A POOL PARTY. YAY JOJO IN A SWIMSUIT YAY kill me.

Evan pulls CH and his pink shirt aside and says Chad is a bully, he tore my shirt. Chris says ok. Chris pulls Chad aside and pretends to care. It's amazing. Chad and Evan are telling different stories and YET WHY AREN'T WE REVIEWING THE TAPE FROM THE MILLIONS OF CAMERAS ON AT ALL TIMES.

Brad just told me Evan looks like Gary Oldman in the Fifth Element. Idk what that means but I googled it and I agree. It's funny.


The episode is done but there's another one this week and i already cannot.

4 comments:

  1. Best highlight of the show Chad eating a raw sweet potato! I can't even get my J.A. Henkel knives to cut into sweet potato first off, then this guy.... just uses his teeth. I think Chad should endorse luxury knives for the moment, then he threatens to chop off arms, legs, and place the torso's in the pool later on in the show... So maybe not. Bachelorette went from ABC to Lifetime in a freakin' hurr-ray! The Chad-bear is on the loose...with his teeth.... good god.

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  2. I just feel like emotion is all I'm feeling right now.

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  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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