Friday, June 10, 2016

The Bachelorette Episode 4: JoJo is a cool girl who wears a bikini


HAPPY NATIONAL BEST FRIENDS DAY. REMEMBER WHEN JOJO TOLD BEN HE WAS HER BEST FRIEND. I WONDER HOW THEY'RE DOING NOW???? I WONDER HOW OFTEN THEY GET DINNER??? I WONDER HOW THEY CELEBRATED TODAY????





But now JoJo is ready to find a new best friend.

But first: Apologies. I'm here and I will finish this recap if it kills me. Please don't give up on me.

Do I name this week's blog episode 4 or episode 3 continued? Do you understand now why it's hard blogging a TV show? Shit like that.

WE CONTINUE WHERE WE LEFT OFF AND WE LEFT OFF WITH CHAD BEING A MEGADOUCHE TO ALL THE OTHER GUYS. Chris Harrison pulls him outside before the sausage pool party and says something has to be done.

Chad walks back into the house and says he doesn't have any issues with anyone ever.

Evan and Chad are going back and forth about the shirt-tearing incident and arguing about what really happened. Yet the film isn't being replayed and it's annoying. I'm mad at ABC. And then Wells, beautiful, beautiful Wells speaks up and says he doesn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable.

Wells is all about the peace. I'm all about the peace. Peace and love. Peace Love Wells.



POOL PARTY TIME.

JoJo shows up in that damn blue car and I swear on my life if I see that blue car driving around Dallas, I will lose my mind. Drive a Mazda 6 like every other 25yo unaccomplished female. I'm not bitter.

JoJo in a swimsuit will cause war worlds.

All the guys do this weird diving thing into the pool and when Evan comes up from the water, Evan has a bloody nose and middle school pool parties are hard for everyone.

Jordan steals JoJo away for a second. I don't think JoJo has been in the pool once. She is completely dry. She sees Jordan and hugs him and straddles him.

They sit down and her legs are draped over him. Her arms are all over him. They are having sex right in front of God and America. She tells him she's nervous about him but she thinks it's a good thing. She says it's a good thing. I added the "she thinks" because what JoJo is experiencing is falling for a very good-looking bad boy who still has a woman at home, but JoJo thinks it's love. When in reality, it's her gut. We've all been there, JoJo. But it's time to take off the bikini and put on your big girl panties and think straight.

"It's not an act." -Jordan and every other player in the world.

They kiss and all is forgotten.

Chad and JoJo sit down. Chad calls himself steak and Evan ice cream. Evan interrupts the conversation. JoJo is sitting down with Evan not even like he's a friend. Like he's a stranger on the subway. There is no physical connection and it's humorous. I'm a body language expert. Book me. $200/hour.

JoJo and Derek. Derek says he's scared and needs a security guard to protect himself from Chad. JoJo and Derek make out.

Now JoJo is gone. Chad pulls Derek aside and is angry that Derek was talking about him. They argue. It's stupid. Derek is bad at arguing. The people on The Challenge are better at arguing. I want to watch The Challenge.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME. That came quick, amirite. I feel like we didn't even get hardly enough of JoJo's midriff.

Oh wait.

JoJo shows up to the rose ceremony in a two-piece glittery dress with matching glittery eye shadow and I also love New Years Eve.

GLITTER HAHA. i interviewed jane lynch this week does anyone care

Roses go to: Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F., Vinny, Daniel, Alex, AND CHAD.

Everyone is so mad. The men are mad. Your grandmother is mad. God is mad. No one can believe it. God knew it was going to happen and even God is so distraught right now.

Christian went home and he tweeted me once and told me that he read my recap, so I'm upset right now. Santa is gone. Ali and his eyebrows are gone. How do we go on.



JoJo tells them they are leaving the Bachelor mansion for good and all these guys are so excited because they spent all their vacation time on doing this show, so they want to get their money's worth and see the world. I'm excited for them.

They go to some cabin and I wasn't paying attention enough to know where they are, but I'm going to guess Red River, New Mexico because that would be funny. Evan is explaining the cabin by saying it's really manly and rugged and he feels really comfortable there.

k.

DATE CARD. Luke "I like you very much. Love, JoJo"
Great clue, Jo. Thrilling.

They have dogs pulling them through the woods and Winston just sighed. They are cold and I'm in Texas in June sweating and cursing JoJo.

They strip down to get in a hot tub and JoJo is acting like she's never been around a guy in a swimsuit before when she literally spent the previous day gallivanting with men in swimsuits.

--I stopped watching to go to dinner and enjoy a margarita and deal with Housewives drama because I actually get paid to write about that shit, but I'm back now. Better than ever.--

BACK AT THE MANSION. DATE CARD. Derek, James Taylor Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F., Grant, Jordan, Robby. "We could go all the way."

That leaves Chad and Alex for the two-on-one date. Alex blurts out "This guy is going home" and points at Chad. Everyone oos and ahhs like a middle school fight is about to break out.

Jordan says something about Alex being a true American hero and how the two-on-one date is for America and even lying Chris Kyle just rolled over in his grave.

BACK TO THE DATE. It's dinner time and JoJo thinks Luke is sexy because he's mysterious or he's just stupid and doesn't know what to say. Either way.

He tells JoJo he was recruited to play football at West Point. He went into the military. "I had soldiers lives in my hands." He says something about being a young, 23-year-old kid and JoJo nods along, even though she's barely 25.

He says that his friend Jason died and I guess I can no longer make fun of this date because it involves a solider dying.

They make out. Thank you for serving, soldiers. You fought for this. Luke is tearing up. I don't know why. They leave the dinner table and go to a Dan + Shay concert. They stand on a platform with thousands of people around them and make out. I'm uncomfortable. I think Luke is too. His kisses are so short and he backs away quickly. I don't think Luke likes PDA.

Commercials about diarrhea pain.

I just learned the group is not in Red River. They're in Pittsburg. It's group date time.

They head to a football field because JoJo will stop at nothing to prove she's the ultimate cool girl. She drinks beer and wears a bikini and looooooooves football. She's just the coolest, isn't she.


JoJo gives the lowdown on each of the guys to the two famous football people. Listen, idk if they're players, former players, ESPN analysts, who tf knows.

She points at Jordan and says he's Aaron's lil bro and "he's one of the good ones."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. there is no one in this world who is less of a "good one" than Jordan Rodgers IMO.

James Taylor gets in an accident and starts bleeding and needs stitches, but he doesn't want to leave so he can prove he's like the ultimate dude and he just really wants that rose. It's annoying. Just go to the hospital.

BACK AT THE CABIN. Tension is high. Luke, Alex and Chad sit on a couch and don't speak. Luke thinks all the other guys are being fake.

BACK TO THE DATE. They are gearing up to play football. The winning team gets more time with JoJo. Evan only puts an eyeblack under one eye.

They all start playing and touchdown endzone defense quick throw beast mode underdogs big plays tied up.

FOOTBALL, YALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Wells' team didn't win, so now I'm pissed as hell.

It's time for the nighttime portion of the group date. The slit in JoJo's dress is criminal. JoJo tells the guys that today was one of the most fun days of her entire life and I'm left wondering how boring her friends must be. Because like I've ever better nights at Quarter Bar.

OH MY GOD ROBBY STEALS HER AWAY AND PLOPS HER UP ON A POOL TABLE TO MAKE OUT WITH HER. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. I'M TOO INNOCENT FOR THIS.

JoJo and Jordan sit down and she says he is hard to read. If what we read on Reality Steve is true, and they were talking before this, then Jordan is classic great-texter-not-dater guy. You know when you meet a guy on Tinder or Facebook or whatever and y'all start texting and everything is great and then you meet him in person and it's like ARE YOU NOT INTO ME??????? They act stand-offish and not interested. That's Jordan rn.

I'm done.

They make out in front of a fountain. All is well. Jordan gets the group date rose. Of course he does.

BACK AT THE CABIN. Two-on-one date card arrives. "Lets get lost. -JoJo Into the woods you go, only one returns with a rose. -Chris Harrison"

All the guys start fighting. I respond to my 89-year-old grandmother's email.

Chad threatens Jordan by saying he will find him after the show is over and fight him. Jordan laughs. I laugh. Not because I'm not scared of Chad, but because it's actually kind of comical.

Alex puts on army boots with American flag socks. I hate it. He goes to sit on the couch with all the other guys and when Chad walks in, everyone is dead silent. It's pretty funny. Watch below.



The two-on-one date is hiking so JoJo can further prove how cool and outdoorsy she is.

Alex and JoJo sit down. Alex says Chad is horrible. He tells JoJo about the Jordan threat.


JoJo and Chad sit down. She is so mad he threatened her Jordan. She leaves to go think aka sit in the wilderness and put her head in her hands. Now she's crying. Hard dating a douchebag. She is trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because his mom died six months ago.

We have 10 minutes left of this show. I don't know if I can go on.

The most shocking part of this is that both of these guys packed hiking boots.

Chad sits down with Alex and says, "I'm not very happy with you. I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" and grins. It's really funny. Then Chad tries to calm Alex down and says "Have a glass of milk" and Alex's comeback is "I don't like milk." I literally don't know what milk has to do with this, but Alex, I don't think he was being literal. Idk what milk means in all of this, but it's fascinating. I'm fascinated.

Has any guy who went on a two-on-one date won? I don't think so.

JUST KIDDING. Remember Andrew Baldwin's season? He was the pilot. Not Jake Pavelka, the other one. He had a two-on-one date with Tessa and Peyton and Tessa ended up winning the season. There's your Bachelor trivia for the year. Thank you and goodnight.

PREVIEW FOR NEXT SODE: JoJo crying, Chad still here, JT still needs stitches, Wells is tute, JoJo wears white, more crying.

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