Tuesday, June 21, 2016

The Bachelorette Episode 5: JoJo is all of us


Wow, I'm so glad everyone stopped their busy schedules to read this recap that's a day old. Sometimes I come home from work on a Monday and I don't even want to watch The Bachelorette, much less make my fingers type something about it.

So I ate chips and watched The Challenge instead.

This episode is Chad's farewell episode. It begins where all the men gather to spread his protein shake ashes. It's funny, but also can you imagine being stuck in a house with no TV, no internet, no magazines, no books, so you're forced to do things that aren't funny, but you're so brainwashed by Mike Fleiss you think it's funny?

But Chad comes back to beat Jordan up.

Just kidding. He comes back to say a bunch of unimportant things that I can't hear because I'm eating chips and it's too loud.


JoJo walks Alex to the cabin door after their two-on-one date turned into a one-on-one date and they kiss and we've all kissed an Angry Elf in our day. You just have to do it. You're not a woman until a man one foot shorter than you stands on his tippy toes and kisses you. JoJo is all of us.

"I can't wait to go home and tell the boys I'm surviving another day." -Alex, a war veteran. I don't know if he's talking about war or The Bachelorette or if that's the same thing.

Alex walks into the cabin and they immediately begin celebrating. Cupcakes are involved and everything. It's how I image frat houses to be when a guy gets home from a date with a girl in the best sorority. I want them to include initiation when they throw piss at the guys. Is that what frats do? SOMEONE WRITE AN ODYSSEY ARTICLE ABOUT THAT. I miss college.


COCKTAIL PARTY TIME. Chase gets one-on-one time with JoJo and he has these big clear inflatable balls that they play in? Question mark? She is giggling and seems to be having fun, but I don't get it? I don't think I would like that? Also, Chase is that guy you meet at a Brad Paisley concert and you two-step with him and you text for a few weeks until it's clear you hate him. That's all.

Robby time. Robby strikes me as -- how do I put this -- extremely in the closet. There I said it. Don't get me wrong. I love a feminine man. I love a gay man. But, no. JoJo is still young and realize gay men eventually won't marry you. They throw coins in a fountain and then they kiss. We've all kissed a gay man. You're not a woman until you do. JoJo is all of us.

James F. time. I know nothing about James F. except that he read my recap once. Well, apparently reading is what he likes to do because he pulls a poem out of his ass (jacket pocket) and reads it to JoJo. She pretends to cry until Alex butts in.

I RT compliments it's my only flaw


Alex time. He's not Wells, so I don't care.

Daniel time. Please don't murder me, but there's something I like about Daniel???????? Help????????? What's the matter with me???????? I think it's all an act and I think it's funny??????????? He's been on the Internet????? Do we still capitalize Internet??????

Luke time. Luke is every Texas Tech grad from Midland. Oh my god, Luke is talking and confessing his feelings and JoJo moves her face closer to his and he keeps talking. We've all been there. We've all wanted a guy to stop talking and kiss us and they keep talking. JoJo is all of us. 

Jordan time. Jordan steals her away and pushes her up against a wall and makes out with her. Just watch the clip.


ROSE CEREMONY TIME. Roses go to (IN ORDER): Derek, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny, James Taylor, Evan

That means Daniel and James F. go home. BYE JAMES F. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS BLOG. MAY YOU FIND HAPPINESS ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE OR LITERALLY ANYWHERE. TINDER, BUMBLE, YOU'LL BE FINE.

you'll be fine.
Daniel exits and hugs JoJo with his signature one-arm hug and was he raised Baptist because only Baptist boys do that??????? Are there Canadian Baptists????????

JoJo tells the remaining men that they're headed to Uruguay and everyone immediately wishes there was a globe around.



URUGUAY TIME. Date card. "Jordan, let's seal the date. Love, JoJo"

Jordan and his hair set off to meet JoJo for their date. JoJo runs to him in her size double zero Gymboree shorts and hugs him and he picks her up and she straddles him and I scratch my butt. No idea why I'm not the Bachelorette.

They immediately strip down in their swimsuits and they talk like they've known each other for awhile. OH WAIT. BECAUSE THEY HAVE. 

BACK AT THE HOTEL. Remember how I mentioned magazines and any outside communication isn't allowed? Well somehow an InTouch magazine wonders in the hotel. I don't know if the magazine grew legs and walked to the hotel, if a maid left it in there, OR IF PRODUCERS MADE ONE TINY LIL EXCEPTION or what, but it's here. 

They read the tell-all article from JoJo's ex Chad, of Chad Rookstool Salon in Dallas, I know too much, I hate myself. Basically it says that they snuck around while the Bachelor was airing and she dumped him to go on The Bachelorette. Do I believe it? YES. I'm half tempted to make a hair appointment at Chad Rookstool Salon just to talk to him, but that's exactly what he wants, more business, and no one said he was a stupid businessman.

Date card time. "Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James Taylor, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex. I can't stand to be away from you. Love, JoJo"

Alex just mixed up slander and libel and that's why he shouldn't win.

BACK AT THE JORDAN DATE. JoJo says, "I feel like I've been waiting a long time to hang out with you." OH BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN TALKING TO HIM BEFORE THIS AIRED??????? In fact, it's pretty much proven because JoJo tells us she met a girl who used to date Jordan and she told JoJo wasn't the best in relationships. What does that even mean???????????? He didn't put the toilet seat down?????? He didn't pay for dinner???????? He laughed at South Park????? JUST SAY HE CHEATED.

OK, I actually respect JoJo's balls in this instance because it takes a lot to call out a guy for something he hasn't done to you, for something he's done to some random girl you barely know. I applaud her. I wish JoJo was all of us rn.

Jordan tells JoJo he never physically cheated on this random Dallas girl and we've all been there. We've all been emotionally cheated on. We've all been this random Dallas girl. BTW- DOES ANYONE KNOW WHO THIS RANDOM DALLAS GIRL IS?? I WOULD LOVE FOR HER TO GUEST BLOG.

I want wine so badly right now.

They finish the serious talk and JoJo goes in for a kiss and says, "Don't be mad at me." Oh, my god, JoJo is all of us.

JoJo gives Jordan the rose but not before telling him that her heart skipped a beat when he said that he was falling in love with her. I don't think that's love, I think that's your gut saying uh oh. I'm a psychologist. 

BACK AT THE HOTEL. The magazine article is addressed. JoJo cries to a producer. The guys talk about it and are divided on whether it's true or not.

JoJo puts on a long, grey, chic-ass cardigan and goes to the guys' hotel room. JoJo begins explaining everything and Wells' face.



Wells is all of us.

Robby stands up for her and rubs her back and honestly, if a man ever rubs my back while I'm crying, then yeah, I'm gonna fall in love with him. Even if he is gay. It's just what happens. I can't explain it.

OH MY GOD. ALEX BEGINS DEFENDING JOJO TO HER FACE AND SHE CUTS HIM OFF AND LOOKS AT JORDAN AND SAYS, "Did you know about this?" She literally only cares about Jordan's opinion and while I don't think Jordan is good, I can respect a woman who knows what she wants.

GROUP DATE TIME. They are sand-surfing and it looks miserable. It's like snowboarding, but with sand, so a shit-ton worse.

BACK AT THE HOTEL. Date card: "Robby, Love is within our reach."

BACK AT THE GROUP DATE. JoJo tells the group that she hopes one of the guys is her future husband, but Jordan isn't there, so we all know she doesn't mean it.

She talks with all the guys. Alex doesn't like Derek. Alex sits down with JoJo and says this is the most real relationship he's ever had and now I'm concerned about his past dating life. Because this is the most unreal thing ever.

Group date rose goes to Derek and his ears.

DATE TIME WITH ROBBY. She compares Robby to a puppy. So. I wonder if he licks his own wiener like the male dog I live with does.

robby

They eat and jump off a cliff into the water and I want to jump off a cliff right now.

BACK AT THE HOTEL. Derek makes a comparison that it's like living in a frat house and how he's not like that and he says this while wearing an American flag shirt, which is the frattiest thing in the world. Alex is mad at Derek and I'm not sure why. 

BACK AT THE DATE. Robby is drinking red wine. "I'm an emotional person. I get it from my mom. She cries at every movie she watches."

JoJo tells Robby she feels safe with him, but in reality, he has swimmer shoulders and anyone could feel safe with a man with swimmer shoulders. Robby is so competitive that he tells JoJo he loves her just because he wants to be the first dude in the house to say it.

Robby tells a story about his best friend dying and YOLOing. He says he quit his job, moved cities and dumped a chick. 

And then Chad dated her.


COCKTAIL PARTY TIME. Derek calls Alex, Chase, Jordan and Robby outside to tell them they are being Mean Girls-y. Jordan walks back in and says to the other guys, YO DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL THIS WAY. Then Wells applauds Derek's balls, but I'm not sure everyone agrees? Y'all. I don't know what happened. I don't care either.

ALSO JK NO COCKTAIL PARTY. JOJO DOESN'T WANNA FAKE KISS ANY OF THEM BITCHES.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME. Roses go to (IN ORDER): Luke, Chase, Alex, James Taylor, Wells

Vinny, Evan, and Grant are gone. Grant. The one black guy. Gone.

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