Wednesday, June 29, 2016

The Bachelorette Episode 6: I didn't even watch, but everybody is always wrong

I'm not going to sit here behind a computer screen and pretend I watched the last episode of The Bachelorette. I am a lot of things, but I'm not a liar. If you want to read a Bachelorette recap, read it literally anywhere else on the Internet. My friend Sassy writes a funny one here. I read it too and I have the internet, so I know what happened. And I'm not pleased. I'm angry in fact. Because once a Bachelorette season, I fall in love with a contestant. Let's take a look at PMS's favorites.

Jef from Emily's Season

like.

My good Lord, I wish Jef Holm was still Mormon because I would sisterwife that up, ya hear. Jef Holm. What a special, special species of a man. He was hot and charming and worked at a nonprofit, so he had a heart of gold. Emily Maynard did the right thing by choosing him and then breaking up with him and releasing him back into the dating world for us not-as-pretty girls to have a chance with him. Thanks, Em.

Ames from Ashley's Season

something always a lil off about him but god love him.

Then there was Ames. Sweet, sweet Ames from Ashley's season. He was a little off and by a little, I mean completely. I don't remember what exactly he did to get sent home, but I remember he was just a little to weird for Ashley. But I loved him. His forehead was big and his heart was bigger.

Nick from Andi and Kaitlyn's Seasons, LOL

everyone hated him, i loved him, what's new.

Hey, sometimes when one brunette breaks your heart, you have to go after another. Everyone hated Nick Viall. Except me. Hey, Nick. This brunette won't break your heart. I was seriously the only person on planet earth who didn't hate him and I wanted that printed on my gravestone. I thought he was smart and cute and feminine and great, but Andi and Kaitlyn didn't because they both left him at the Bachelorette alter.

Wells from JoJo's Season

i'm all 4 one for u, wells.

And then there's Wells. Wells. I didn't think I could fall in love with anyone on TV more than Jef Holm, but ah, I was wrong. I was so wrong. Because Wells, my readers, is incredible. He's cute, he's feminine, he passes out when he gets too hot, he didn't kiss JoJo just to compete, he has a cool job, and he's perfect.

But JoJo didn't see what I saw in Wells. JoJo was mad because Wells is just a cynical asshole like the rest of us and thinks the spark will eventually fade. JoJo doesn't believe that. JoJo literally thinks Jordan or Robby or Luke or whoever she picks will always be in love with her after the cameras turn off and after her fame is gone. I love naive children. The look on Wells' face when JoJo was going on and on about being in love forever was priceless. Wells does not have a face for radio; Wells should be on TV. Also, any straight woman who says bye to Wells' face and keeps douche omega Jordan is no friend of mine.

Everyone else tweet me what happened the rest of the episode.

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