Thursday, July 14, 2016

FAQ: How To Become A Famous Blogger

I’m sad to say that literally no one has ever asked me for blogging advice. I’ve been blogging for more than a year. Heck, maybe even more than two years and I’ve been saying equally-as-ignorant stuff out loud for far longer than that. So the fact that no one has said, PMS, how do you do all that you do, is baffling to me.

Because I take not being accepted into the world of “bloggers who do FAQs” so well, I decided to force my friend Mack, who is thinking about starting his own blog, to ask me questions he has about blogging.

Sassy at IFIF and I at PMS answered all your (Mack's) burning questions.

What keeps you motivated etc?

IFIF: Trying to prove to people I’m more than just a pretty face, more than a supermodel with a perfectly symmetrical face and equally toned body -- I’m also a white girl with a blog. I’m unique.

Another motivational tactic: standing in a field, in a maxi dress, staring off into a distance, while a photographer captures me.

Where do I learn more about formatting and coding for my site?

PMS: Bother all your friends and ask them how they did it. And then go to the IT guy in your office and flirt with him and see what he can do.

How do you promote your brand?

IFIF: As a blogger with less than 500 likes on Facebook, I know a thing or two about promoting a brand. First strategy: go to an Aaron Carter concert and write down your URL on a piece of paper from your church journal and give it to the drummer (no sarcasm: PMS and I actually did this. Carry on.). Second strategy: Sit at a bar and drunkenly yell your blog name at passerbys. ItWorks just like ItWorks weight loss products.

Also: timely Facebook ads.

How critical do people care about grammar and spelling erors? 

PMS: Is "erors" misspelled on purpose? People are only critical if you listen to them. But no punctuation is funny. See: "i hate life bring me donuts" versus "I hate life. Bring me donuts." Which one is funnier? Thot so.

How do I keep my post in snackable sizes rather than a full-sized feast of the last supper?

IFIF: Snackable blog posts are the only way to help your readers digest your content and remember what you said, so I’m proud of you for doing your research. Things to consider: some readers are vegan, some are gluten free, and some are just salty bitches.

Where did you find friends to be featured in your posts?

PMS: You take the friends you already have, get them drunk, and then at the end of the night, when they’re still drunk, you say, I’M BLOGGING THIS! And then you officially warned all parties. That didn’t answer the question, but you get it.

How do you bribe someone to do a guest post?

IFIF: I’ve heard that Craigslist is a great place to find people to do things for you. Start there! If you have the time and energy to dedicate to networking, influencer marketing, and the like, you can always try roofies or blackmail.

How do I keep coming up with new trash to write about?

PMS: How do preachers always have the perfect story/anecdote to add to their sermon? They lie! They make it up! They bullshit! You can, too.

When does your family stop supporting you?

IFIF: Blogging calls for sacrifices. Sometimes I’m so busy getting lost in instagram, for blog research, I forget I’m at the stoplight on the way to my sister’s house, and people are honking at me, and I miss the dinner, and work the next day, and no one can reach me for days, except the people honking at and driving around me. But you know what? I learned a lot. A lot about myself, the industry, and solid #inspo for future posts. I don’t think that’s a crime, and if your family can’t support you on your worst blogging day, they don’t deserve a mention in your post with 200 views.

When do they stop asking about it etc?

PMS: Pretty much after your second post, they will lose interest. So will your friends. Dave Barry once said that people get used to your sense of humor and then they’re sick of it. Good luck.

How do I stop spilling my life each post?

IFIF: Sharing your life, and every need-to-know-only-basis detail in it is how readers resonate with your content, and thus you, because your self-worth and life purpose is only as good as your content. So don’t hesitate to share your gross bodily functions, or those oh-no-will-future-employers-see-this college memories, or your opinions on abortion, the holocaust, or even your friend’s infertility issues. It’s called being authentic! And readers love your unwarranted, controversial opinions!

Where does the line stop with PC jokes?

PMS: You know the most liberal friend you have? Think of them when writing so you are always conscious of what pisses people off. And then totally forget about them halfway through and make all kinds of horrible jokes.

How do you pretend to work while blogging at work?

IFIF: Good job! You’ve started taking your blog seriously and are now feeling overwhelmed by all the commitments of an unmarried, childless, millennial. I would prepare yourself to basically get fired soon, but don’t worry -- now you’re able to tell people that you’re a full-time blogger!! Congrats!!!

How do I accept that nobody actually reads my blog?

PMS: You don't. You keep refreshing your page, so you trick yourself into think the pageviews are going up. They’re not. But when people ask you how many pageviews you get, you can confidently say 16 and not be lying.

How do you keep track of the friends/relationships lost over your blog?

IFIF: It’s easy! After I’ve murdered my enemies, I keep their lifeless bodies in a trunk in my bedroom.

Is it ok that my mom is my biggest fan?

PMS: I don’t know. Who is your mom?

How do I stop embarrassing myself?

IFIF: Since when is being vulnerable, self-indulgent, and overbearing in public internet forums embarrassing? I think the question you should be asking is, am I embarrassing myself, friends, and family enough?

When do I learn that I can't please everyone just like I can't please a woman?

PMS: That realization comes after the second post when someone reads your blog, makes it about them, gets really offended and swears your trash. This usually happens during the second date as well.

When does the crying stop?

IFIF: Blogging is just like your wedding day -- emotional, rewarding, everyone is staring at you, there’s a hashtag, your pastor is wondering how you got here, and no one knows what you’re talking about when you yell, “LIKE ME, FOLLOW ME, CLICK HERE.” But it’s rewarding!

How do I hide the fact I'm literally dying on the inside this is all an act?
PMS: It's all about the pics. If you post enough pictures of you and your friends pretending to be happy, no one will suspect that you hate your life and everything is a lie. Gifs of your dancing also help.

How many tattoos about my blog name is too many tattoos about my blog name?

IFIF: Start off small, like a wrist tat of your boyfriend’s initials, or just “khloe and lamar forever”.. Before you know it, you’ll have a tribal URL sleeve in no time, just in time to want to change your blog name.

When do I give up the fear that my blog will go viral and everyone will see me for the ignorant racist I really am?

PMS: Ah, the ultimate internal struggle. You really wanna go viral and be famous, but then there's that fear that you'll end up like Trevor Noah. But he's doing fine and no one remembers his horribly racist tweets. You'll be fine.

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