Sunday, July 17, 2016

GUEST POST: Ghosts of College Roommates Past

This is a guest post by my friend Mack. He sent me this post back when I blogged about my roommate drama and I swore I would publish it and then I never did and he never stopped asking me about it, so finally I was like ok, I will do it. Now he's thinking about starting his own blog but wants to get his feet wet first with this. So read it and tell him if he's funny enough for his own blog.

Freshman year. Fall of 2010.
I was stoned out of my mind so I went to a community college in my hometown. I was fortunate enough that I didn’t have to waste any expense on dorms my first year. So I can’t really talk shit about my roommates. My parents were very kind to me.

Sophomore year. Fall of 2011.
My first semester at Tech. I was newly sober and didn’t know a single person there. I went pot-luck and got a random roommate that we are going to call Smelly Jelly. Hold on five seconds and let me tell you why. On campus. We stayed in the dorms that were considered old when my uncle was there in the 80s. Initially I was like ok cool whatever he likes video games that’s fine. I’m down for Halo or Madden once in a blue moon.

Until that was all he did. Suns up controllers up amirite.

He also would eat the exact same meal twice a day. Every day. No matter what. Holidays weren’t off limits either. Crappy chicken fingers, mashed potatoes and chocolate milk from what barely met the legal requirements to be considered a cafeteria downstairs in our dorm.

I’ve seen a homeless dog turn down scraps from this place. I literally mean twice a day every day. 14 times per week. 60 times per month, for a total of 240 times that semester I suffered with him. Those are rough numbers. But I shouldn’t be able to plug this into an algorithm in the first place, now should I?



Now this is where it gets good. Over the course of four months, I can literally (not figuratively, actually literally) count on both of my hands how many times he took a shower. Not even joking. The
first morning we woke up together, I go to the community showers like I’m at camp and also like
every other guy living in the university dorms. But not Smelly Jelly. He wakes up and plays Halo
first thing in the AM. Literally from AM to PM.



This pattern goes on for about 3 weeks. He was/is Catholic. Maybe he thought the Holy Water was enough once a week. He also liked soccer. I mean I like it too. I'm forever blowing bubbles, Pretty bubbles in the air. Props if anyone gets that reference.


Anywho, he played soccer occasionally like a normal college rec athlete. But still would forgo the
shower afterwards. This is Texas and soccer is one of the most physically tiring perspiration
prone sports besides trying to talk to a woman. I finally had to bring it up to him one day after
practice. AFTER I TALKED WITH MY CA/RA/DA ABOUT IT. HE SAID OH MAN DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT I DON’T SHOWER FOR 3 DAYS SOMETIMES. Like is this something that is normal now?


As soon as teen boys get one peep at freedom the first thing to do is stop bathing? Oh idk. Maybe steal something? Try drugs? Do something you’ll regret? But for the love of dog please keep showering even though your mother is 800 miles away. She can smell you. It’s a mom thing.

He had the dirty balls to tell me “Oh I shower when you aren’t here.” I call bullcrap. No, the corn in bullcrap. Nobody can smell like the hot garbage of Goodwill/sperm donation and plasma bank and claim that they bathe at all. My exhibit A and one of the few pieces of evidence that I needed: when he would FINALLY take a shower - he would put his towel in his hamper, not hang it up. Kind of like “Ok, I did it! I’ve showered! I won’t be needing that again anytime soon! I can put my towel away because I won’t be using it for awhile!” I’m dead serious. He didn’t even have a shower caddy. He would open a new bar of soap like once a month and just use it once. His hair was so greasy I actually fried some peppercorn bacon on it once while he was asleep. I can commend him for one thing though, he did slather on deodorant as thick as a coat of paint. I really did appreciate that effort.

Same with his cologne though :( If you mix that with the 63 different Glade Brand Plugins I had in every spare outlet in the room, and it was a gas room cocktail fit for a POW. And I lived to tell the tale. By now, it is quite obvious where the Smelly part of his nickname comes from.

If any of y'all are interested in the Jelly half, one time for an actual dinner as a meal replacement for his chicken/taters/milk, he opted to eat an entire jar of jelly with a spoon. He reached into his nightstand and pulled out a bright red jar of jelly. Like the 16oz Strawberries Smuckers WITH PRESERVATIVES!!1!11!!one!! he ate the whole thing like a god damn diabetic baby.

this but not cute.

We parted at the end of the semester. He didn’t know about it. I came back from Christmas break a few days early and moved all my shit out. No ragrets. I got a room by myself for the Spring semester in a different hall across the dorm and it was the best 4 months of my life. It was also the semester I self diagnosed myself with insomnia and anxiety.

Junior year. Fall of 2012.
In brand spanking new dorms on campus. I’m the first one to christen (powerduke) in my toilet. It feels good. I go pot luck again. 1) Because I haven’t learnt my lesson already and 2) all the friends I made were girls or dudes who already had their #roomiesitch figured out. I end up with the biggest group of misfits as my roomies.

Anyway so an ungodly mammoth of a Hispanic kid moved in and he smelled like someone threw up in a clown’s butthole. The silver lining was that he was a Spurs fan so we got along just fine as long as he was across the room. He would go missing for up to 2 weeks at a time. And we only knew this 1) Because none of us would see him for days and 2) you couldn’t see the stench lurking out of his room like fog from a lagoon of assholes. We could literally smell when he was home and when he wasn’t home. But honestly we never really knew him. He and I watched two Spurs games together. That was it.

Senior year. Fall of 2013.
For some odd reason, I actually decided to room with two guys I was friends with. We had tons of mutual friends and most of them lived in the same complex as we did. It was off campus and I just took their open room because the last guy was a tool. It was fun and everything until I realized they were much more social than I was. Constant parties and people being over turned me into a hermit and made my anxiety kick into overdrive. But I did get some good tweet content from this year. One of them is married and the other one is somewhere else. Good guys.

Now I just live with crippling anxiety and self-doubt.

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