Wednesday, September 14, 2016

All Men Are Gay; I Know This Because I Have A Gay Ex-Boyfriend

i hate glee.

I want you to settle down. Yes, you, poor girl reading this blog. I know that boy you love isn't texting you back and I know you are upset about it. I know because I was once you.

But now I'm older and wiser and prettier and I have advice for you.

It's fine because he's gay.

Yes, that's right. That guy who you think just isn't into you isn't into you because he's gay. I can say this with 100 percent authority because I've lived it. I have a gay ex-boyfriend so I know every male who has ever broken up with you is gay. He's just gay.

That bartender who never gives you a free drink no matter how hard you flirt? Gay.

Your best friend's boyfriend who never flirts with you behind her back? Gay.

The Uber driver who doesn't hit on you? Gay.

Your dog that doesn't lift his leg to pee? Gay.

George Clooney? Gay.

Abraham Lincoln? Gay.

I have successfully convinced my roommate that her ex-boyfriend is gay. I have no idea if it's true, but it feels so nice to say. He's gay. It's not your fault he's gay. Man, sucks he isn't out. It's ok, he's gay. Say those things three times in the mirror next time you receive a text from a boy that says something like 'no thx' to drinks or a 'haha' sans winky face.

Thank you.

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