Monday, January 2, 2017

The Bachelor Episode 1: Everyone Has Had Sex With Nick

this guy can't find a girlfriend and needs to go on TV to date. ok.

IT'S BACHELOR TIME!!!! Brad just sighed heavily and walked into the bathroom and locked the door, so this is going well.

We take a walk down memory lane and Nick has had sex fallen in love with every brunette on this show's franchise. That's Andi, Kaitlyn, and Jen.

Let's also take another walk down memory lane with my tweets about Nick. (I've always liked him.)

2014!!!!

We see Nick get naked and hop in the shower, making it our first black box of the season. Then in a second, we visit his family and we're reunited with Bella, his little sister, who is "wise beyond her years." We've met her before and she really tries to look our for her older bro, who might be about 25 years older than her, it's fine.

"She's gonna be the next Bachelorette" -Brad on Bella. "Oh my god a teenage Bachelor where at the end, you invite one of them to prom." Call him, ABC.


commercial break: Brad just gave me a history lesson on Disney princesses, like I don't even know what's happening.

After the commercial break, we see Nick visiting with former Bachelors, Chris, Ben, and Sean and I just want everyone to study the diagram/graph I made regarding these men and some women.



They give him really unique and helpful advice, like, 'Be yourself, don't be a douche, trust yourself, blah blah blah.' Chris offers nothing because Chris's relationship lasted three episodes of Dancing With The Stars, so his opinion is invalid.

Let's meet the women!!!!!
Rachel- She's black, she's from Dallas, she's an attorney, she loves to dance with her vacuum, doesn't believe in love in first sight, she's 31, practically dead. Emma Ann and Anna Ann have thoughts on her here.

Danielle- 27, nail salon owner, nice legs, Brad just moaned so he likes her

Vanessa- 28, from Canada, special ed teacher, I like her

Josephine- her bio says registered nurse, but she just said nursing student, 24, from Santa Cruz, she's horrible, she's also a exact mixture of Erica Rose from Lorenzo's season and Vienna from Jake Pavelka's season, I know too much.



Raven- 25, from Arkansas, says Hoxie's saying is 'family, faith and football,' owns clothing boutique, but the clothes look like they are from Walmart

Corrinne- 24, lives in Miami, lives with her family, she has a maid????????? who delivers her cucumbers???? she also runs a multimillion dollar business????? of course???

Alexis- lives in New Jersey, no idea how old she is but she walks to CVS in a sumo wrestler costume so I will assume 14

Danielle- 30, lives in Nashville and is a neonatal nurse and Brad loves her, Brad is about to leave me for her

Taylor- lives in Seattle, 23, mental health counselor, she's biracial, she rollerblades, she's 23 and a mental health counselor, I'm 26 and on happy pills

Liz- 29, lives in Las Vegas, she has met Nick once before at Jade and Tanner's wedding, AKA THEY BONED BUT SHE WON'T COME OUT AND SAY IT. She didn't give him her phone number but now she's on The Bachelor?????? Now that he's on TV you want to be with him???? I hate Liz?????

Women out of the limo but I didn't include women who got intro packages, get over it
Elizabeth- marketing manager, lives in Dallas, wearing what looks like a bad wedding dress
Christen- did a dance out of the limo, wearing a horrible yellow dress
Kristina- 24, wants to get to know Nick based on Nick, that's original
Angela- 26, model, wearing red, looks exactly like Nick's type
Lauren- 30, wearing a bad NYE evening gown
Michelle- 24, food truck owner, says she is ready to make lemonade with lemons, thinks she's Beyonce
Dominique- wearing red
Ida Marie- 23, wearing a crop top dress but with wrong shoes though, does a trust fall, college is hard
Olivia- from Alaska, asks him to do an eskimo kiss, wearing huge fur coat, 25
Sarah- 26, comes running in with tennis shoes, says she didn't want Nick to be the only runner-up, do you get it
Jasmine G.- brought Neil Lane and it's weird, she shows Nick what kind of ring she wants, it's weird
Hailey- 23, wearing red, comes out with a great joke, 'Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says? Neither do I.' She's also wearing red
Astrid- 26, speaking German, I hate women who are smarter than me
everyone keeps talking about sex and I'm slightly shocked
Jaimi- 28, chef, wearing a dress that you should only wear for your 21st birthday in Las Vegas, Nevada, and surprise!!! she also has a horrible nose piercing. I hate to say t-r-a-s-h-y but she's t-r-a-s-h-y. s-r-y.
Briana- 28, listens to his heart with a stethoscope, original
Susannah- 26, wearing red, massages his beard
Brittany- 26, wearing red
Jasmine B.- 25, wearing red
Whitney- 25, wearing a GOOD red dress
Lacey- comes in on a camel, says, 'I heard you like a good hump,' wearing red
Alexis- I KNOW I SAID I WOULDN'T WRITE ABOUT THE GIRLS WHO ALREADY HAD A SPECIAL INTRO BUT HONESTLY, Alexis is wearing a shark costume, but says, 'I dolphinly can't wait to talk to you inside.' Then she goes inside and starts making dolphin noises and dancing around making noises and honestly she's me. I relate to her so hard.

All the women are settled into the mansion, where they will be living for the next possible six weeks, except not at all because they'll be off to some exotic location in 5 minutes. They are all stressed because everyone is wearing red.

all of the women.

Nick comes in and makes a speech and stumbles over his words because he has a slight lisp I think, but it's endearing.

Rachel is the first women he sits down and talks to and he LOVES her. They talk about football for a second because Rachel is the ultimate ~cool girl~ and then they bond because they both come from big families. Nick is ready to end everything. He thinks they are soulmates at this point.

In a matter of seven seconds, Corrine is stealing Nick away for the second time and kissing him. BECAUSE OF COURSE THE WOMAN WHO HAS A MAID GOES IN FOR A KISS. WHERE IS THE MAID. THEY NEED A CONDOM.


Everyone is a lil mad and a lil jealous. Liz doesn't care though. She smiles because she "kissed" him nine months ago. OH SHIT OK SHE JUST ADMITTED THEY HANKY PANKED. OK OK OK. THANK YOU FOR ADMITTING THAT ON TV. THANK YOU.

Jasmine G. tries to steal him from some girl and he politely declines because the other woman asked first and it's my favorite moment of the episode. Jasmine G. is so hung up on stealing him. When he says no, she does everything but roll around and scream. She does cry so hard that one eye becomes droopy. It's amazing.

Taylor is the mental health counselor who is 23 and who is on a reality TV trying to find love. She cusses a lot. I hope she loses all her clients.

Everyone is elegantly drinking wine in their dresses in the mansion, talking shit about the other woman eloquently, AND SHARK GIRL IS IN THE POOL. I REPEAT, SHARK GIRL IS DRUNK AND IN THE POOL AND THIS IS A GIRL I WANT TO PARTY WITH.

Nick comes to talk to her and she so badly wants to take her shark/dolphin costume off but Nick won't let her.

Ok, but here comes the good part. Nick and Liz sit down. Shit is about to get real. Nick does remember her. Liz is surprised. Liz and the rest of America assumed he's slept with every brunette in the world and mixes them all up. But that's not true, apparently. Nick is concerned because Nick asked for her number the night of Jade and Tanner's wedding. She said no but after watching him on BIP, she likes him. He's annoyed. I'm annoyed. Brad is annoyed. She gives some bullshit reasoning of why she never asked for his number from a friend, 'If our paths are supposed to cross, they will. I didn't need to ask for your number.' BUT YOU NEED TO APPLY FOR THE BACHELOR?????? I HATE YOU????? AND YOUR SHOULDERS????? she has swimmer shoulders i'm sorry.

Nick leaves Liz and the first impression rose magically appears on the table. Everyone is stressed about it. But Corrine thinks she'll get it.

all the women in their red dresses, i stg

At some point, Nick is talking to a woman who I forget, and somehow Carrie Bradshaw is brought up and it's revealed he doesn't know who Carrie Bradshaw is, proving he's straighter than I thought.

Danielle, the neonatal nurse, is on the screen. "She is beyond cute. The way she carries herself," Brad says. We get it. Danielle is blond, a nurse, five years older than me, we literally have nothing in common, we get it, I'm fine.

THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE GOES TO: Rachel!!! The black girl from Dallas! I'm not sure if a black girl has ever gotten a first impression rose before???? THIS SEASON, Y'ALL. BREAKING BARRIERS. NICK, BRIDGING THAT RACIAL BACHELOR DIVIDE.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME in order: Vanessa, Danielle L., Christen, Astrid, Corrine, Liz W. (bad wedding dress), Jasmine G., Raven, Kristina, Danielle M., Sarah, Josephine, Lacey, Taylor, Alexis, Hailey, Whitney, Dominique, Jaimi, Brittany, Liz

Before Liz gets her rose, she says something really ignorant. 'Well maybe if I would have given Nick my number, none of us would be here right now.'

"Yeah, right now we'd all have to be reading a book or something if you did take his number." -Brad, v funny, he should write this blog, everyone tweet him that he should write it not me, @bradlacour

It's dawn and the girls who got sent home are crying because wine is hard.

Annnnnd if this season couldn't get more sex-obsessed, a commercial just came on, 'The Bachelor brought to you by Fifty Shades of Grey.'

I'm only recapping the second episode if this blog gets at least 400 views, so you better share with your friends.

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