Monday, January 9, 2017

The Bachelor Episode 2: How About A Little More Conversation


"It's gonna get uncomfortable, it's gonna get crazy, it's gonna get weird." -Corinne, this season's 24-year-old villain.

YOU'RE TELLING ME, CORINNE. YOU'RE TELLING ME.

The second episode of this show is always stressful. On one hand, the women are still really optimistic. It's only been a few days without internet, tv, magazines, and a phone. But the second episode is when the drama starts kicking in. One girls always gets naked and one girl always cries because of her "problems."

All the women are in the mansion drinking their champagne. They are happy and optimistic. I would be too with an unlimited liquor cabinet. You could put Big Bird and a glass of champagne in front of me, and I would start making moves on Big Bird.

Host Chris Harrison comes in and all the women are screaming. I recently had to explain to my boyfriend what being in a sorority was like (it was hell), but I imagine being in the Bachelor mansion is 100x worse. More screaming. More jealously. More fake boobs.

Group Date: Always a bridesmaid...

Corinne let's us know she has never been a bridesmaid, aka she has no girl friends, aka she's a slut, sorry I don't make the rules.

The women are SO excited for this group date. I'm half convinced they're all just drunk. They drive away in their convertibles and this part if confounding. I have never once seen the women drive on this show. Are these women even old enough to have their drivers licenses???? Does Chris Harrison not care about drunk driving???? Someone call 911????



The women run toward the group date with their hair and boobs flopping with every bounce. Nick is in the middle of a photoshoot because honestly, I think that's the only thing he knows how to do.

Nick makes a small speech and tells the women that group dates are awkward (HE SHOULD KNOW), but that this group date, they will take wedding photos (HOW FUN).

One of the girls is wearing a Star of David necklace. That's all.

All of the women are assigned what kind of brides they are. Brittany is Adam and Eve bride. Dolphin girl is shotgun wedding bride. Vanessa is 80s bride. And Corinne is in a bikini for some reason.

This group date is so stupid. It's basically America's Next Top Model because each of the women have to take photos with Nick and there's this flamboyant photographer being overly flamboyant because we all want our 15 seconds of fame.



Jasmine G. tells the other women that she doesn't want to be in the background, HARD BEING A FORMER DCC, so during her photoshoot with Nick, she kissed him.

congrats.

Then all of a sudden, all of them are kissing him.

One woman after the other, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. He has to have herpes by the end of this date.

Just when I think the mental health counselor will be ~different~ and not kiss him, she kisses him. I lean into my TV and I kiss him. I would hate to be the one woman in America who has not been kissed by Nick. Like, I just can't die like that.

One girl actually kisses him and then says, "You taste like Danielle." YOUR BUMPS ARE GONNA LOOK LIKE DANIELLE'S, TOO.

Back at the mansion
Liz can't stop talking about what happened at Jade and Tanner's wedding. I can't stop talking about Liz's swimmer shoulders.

Back at the group date
It's Corinne's turn at the photoshoot and she has to take it on step further than kissing. If everyone has kissed him, what should Corinne do? IF YOU'RE THINKING HAVE SEX WITH HIM IN A POOL IN FRONT OF ALL THE OTHER WOMEN, YOU'RE NOT TOO FAR OFF.



She doesn't have sex with him per se, but she does make him "Janet Jackson her" but taking off her top, AND PLACING HIS HANDS ON HER BARE BREASTS. I ALSO JUST WANT TO POINT OUT, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE NEVER DID THAT TO JANET JACKSON, BUT I GUESS IF YOU WERE 3 MONTHS OLD DURING THAN INFAMOUS SUPERBOWL PERFORMANCE, I CAN'T BLAME YOU FOR NOT REMEMBERING.

Nick looks uncomfortable when she puts his hands on her boobs.

After the Janet Jackson act, the photographer declares Nick and Corinne has the best chemistry. THE BEST CHEMISTRY OR SHE GOT NAKED AND SEXUALLY ASSAULTED HIM?

SEX WINS, EVERYONE. SEX WINS. TELL YOUR PASTOR. SEX WINS.

I'm not, like, a slut shamer, but I'm ashamed of Corinne being a slut. That's all.

Cocktail Hour
"I haven't had a chance to have any real conversations with them since night one." -Nick. Typically you need your tongue to have a conversation and I've noticed it's been down everyone's throats, so that might be an issue????

Corinne is first to steal him away and they immediately kiss with tongue. Nothing like that fresh 24-year-old tongue. Also, what is conversation.

Raven, the Arkansas clothing boutique owner, interrupts literal kissing between Nick and Corinne. It's so uncomfortable.

Raven tells Nick she had a boyfriend eight months ago, which seems recent, but what do I know. She tells Nick she wants a good guy and he pretends to be interested in her and not constantly thinking about her tongue in his mouth.

Back at the mansion
The one-on-one date date card arrives. It's for Danielle M. Everyone is jealous. Christen offers up some fashion advice for Danielle's date outfit, "Orange and green look great together." Everyone laughs. I imagine the boyfriends around the world being forced to watch this didn't get that part. But orange and green don't look great together. Those were my high school colors and the drill team recently put orange in the uniform and it was hard on the entire town. So I get that joke.



Back to the group date
Corinne interrupts Dolphin Girl and everyone is livid because no one has seen this show before. The women are concerned about Corinne. If Nick likes Corinne, then does he like super slutty girls? HEY, GIRLS. HE DOES. You know how I know that? My dad once told me that men have three emotions: hungry, tired and horny. So, yeah, he likes Corinne.

While the mental health counselor is talking to Nick, trying to sound intelligent, we get it, you went to college, Corinne steals Nick again.

CORINNE STEALS NICK AGAIN. THIS IS AMAZING. SHE'S GOING FOR THAT HAT TRICK, LADIES AND GENTS.

corinne scoring with nick amirite

She is so drunk and it's halfway amazing. MHC comes to steal him back though. Corinne goes back to the women, "She re-interrupted me, which is obviously very rude."

When MHC comes back, Corinne drunkenly comforts her. Corinne is all of us, drunk in line at the bar bathroom, when another woman cuts in front of you, and you drunkenly confront her.

BUT GUESS WHAT. NOT ONLY DID CORINNE WIN WITH HER BOOBS, CORINNE WINS THE GROUP DATE ROSE WITH HER DRUNK ASS.

SEX AND DRUNKENNESS WINS. EVERYONE TELL THEIR PASTORS.

"Dad would be proud even though I was naked." -Corinne, but go ahead and put that on my tombstone.

One-On-One Date: Our relationship is about to take off...

Danielle and Nick ride in a helicopter and sit in a bathtub. This date is every Bachelor date ever. And then to make it even more cliche, she tells him that she was engaged once before. But he overdosed on drugs and she found him dead. And she didn't even know he used drugs. WE HAVE FOUND THIS SEASON'S EMILY MAYNARD, EVERYONE. Danielle gets the rose.

Back at the mansion
Liz and her horrible, horrible back tattoo decide to confide in Christen because Christen seems like everyone's best friend. She tells Christen about her hook-up with Nick and how "awkward" it was. Christen is so blown away by all of this, she puts on a leopard headband just to keep in all the information she has received.

Group Date: We need to talk...

I can't believe i have 40 minutes left of this. Someone just kill me.

The women and Nick go go to the Museum of Broken Relationships. That's unique I guess. The women follow Nick around the museum because I think they need his help to read the descriptions about the pieces.

Nick has an engagement ring that he gave one of his 34 almost-fiances in the museum. He explains the significance of that time in his life to all the women. He looks like a hot professor explaining calculus to all these young co-eds who just want to make out with him.

There's one girl who looks like every A Chi O at Texas Tech.

literally we've dated the same guy i swear

The second portion of the date is all of the women pretending to break up with Nick in front of a crowd. Nick won't look Liz in the eye. I don't know if it's because of their history of her bad back tattoo.

Everyone is having a good time with the fake breakups. They blame him for dirty dishes and claim he has a drinking problem, haha, it's all fun, haha, this show, so funny. AND THEN LIZ GOES AND MAKES IT SERIOUS. She honest to god pulls out a notebook and recites a speech about how they met. Nick is so uncomfortable.

I really like Christen, but she has french manicure nails and 2009 was already hard enough on everyone. That's all.

Cocktail Hour
"I'm living my nightmare." -Nick about Liz, America about watching this show, me about blogging this show.

He has convos with all the women and we learn Jaimi dated a girl, wow no one cares, and then Liz and Nick talk and Liz talks out of her actual ass. She talks out of her ass more than me on job interviews I'm not qualified for. Like, girl, stop. He eventually pulls the plug, though and says BYE BYE, MISS AMERICAN PIE.

Liz goes home. There's no rose cermony.

Also, only blogging episode three if there are at least 400 views on this blog. Y'all more than doubled that last time. Fancy, don't let me down.

1 comment:

  1. I will be using this blog to make my Bachelor fantasy pics from now on. Thanks Paige.

    ReplyDelete