Tuesday, January 17, 2017

The Bachelor Episode 3: Whipped Cream And Puke


Liz is gone, Corinne is drunk, Nick, even having been on 98 seasons previously, doesn't know what the hell he's doing.

The women are back at the mansion talking about Liz Gate 2017. Or 2016. Whatever. Everyone is concerned about Nick's intentions. The man who has the best abs I've ever seen is going on TV to "find love" for the 103rd time and they are worried about his intentions. These ladies. I love it.

Before the rose ceremony, Nick makes a speech and assures the women he's optimistic about the women and that's why he said BYE BYE AMERICAN PIE to Liz.

Vanessa is wearing a nude satin dress that would do nothing for my hips, but she looks absolutely gorgeous in it. I'm fine.

Nick tells Lindsey he was concerned about how she felt about Liz Gate. She strokes his ego and he strokes her arm.

"My grandparents have been married for over 50 years." -Lindsey

Congrats. Amazing. Wow. Outstanding. Breathtaking. Incredible. Unbelievable. NO ONE CARES.

Sometimes Nick doesn't look the women in the eyes and it's the biggest indicator that he's just not that into them. I'm a body language expert now.

Corinne comes out in a trench coat with whip (whipped?) cream. If you thought Corinne couldn't make things anymore sexual and awkward for America, you were wrong. She instructs him to lick the whipped cream off her. He does it. She puts some in his mouth. She licks it out of his mouth. Nick is pretending to be bashful, but he's a man, so he's most likely into it. Corinne and Nick are an odd pairing just because of the age difference. She literally looks like a child next to him. Like a freshman next to their ethics professor. Her ethics professor she licks whipped cream out of.

The other women get a whiff of the whipped cream and trench coat. They can put two and two together. They've seen enough Fifty Shades of Grey to know what Corinne is doing. Brittany isn't ok. Raven is spying on them through a door. Sarah is crying. Jasmine just happens to wonder near the professor and student.

After Jasmine steals him away, Corinne runs to the bathroom and starts crying. No one is sure why. She thinks Nick wasn't into it? But clearly he was?

It's time for the rose ceremony and Corinne is missing. Corinne is sleeping in her bunk bed like the toddler she is and honestly, I respect it.



There's a woman named Lacey who looks like every PR professional I've ever dealt with in Dallas, Texas, so I hate her.

*emails you 3 whole times about her client who was on jeopardy*

Roses go to: Astrid, Taylor, Whitney (I think that's her name??? Who is she???), Kristina (He called her kristine, though???), Danielle, Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, Jaimi, Dominique, Sarah, Alexis, Brittany, Josephine, Jasmine

Lacey goes home probably because she emailed a journalist after her story already got published and asked them to change something. Oh my god. I just looked her up and her occupation is digital marketing manager. Sometimes I scare myself.

Hailey is sent home and she's distraught. No one knows who Hailey is but she's in shambles. I think she thinks when she leaves, she's murdered immediately. She can't stop crying. It's embarrassing.

Group Date: Everybody!

The next morning all the women are rested (Corinne is extra rested) and Chris Harrison arrives with the date card. He assures them this is the best date ever.

While the women are trying to figure out what the group date card "Everybody!" hint means, the Backstreet Boys walk in. Christen and her french-tip nails and blonde stringed highlighted hair are on cloud 9. God, 2006 was hard. Corinne asks the boys to sing just a lil something. You know what. Say what you want about Corinne, but she's the real MVP of this episode. The boys then sing a song that I can't name because I'm more of an NSYNC girl myself.

The girls head to the date and it's a dance studio. I'm not kidding when I say this, but Christen has her hair in a half up bun with some straight edges sticking out. Someone needs to tell her that 90s style is in, not 2003 style.

christen's style inspo

The date is the women learning choreography to perform with the Backstreet Boys in front of a live audience ABC paid to be there. Watching all of these women dance really makes me uncomfortable. Even watching Jasmine, a former DCC, dance gives me the icks.

Corinne excuses herself (i.e. runs out the room) to go cry in the bathroom because she's not a good dancer. If I had a dollar for every time I cried right before I had to perform with the Backstreet Boys, man.

The girls practice and then perform in their red crop tops, black pants and black chokers. It's the same outfit I wore all of 2015. I love it.

Danielle, the nail salon owner, wins the challenge and gets to dance one-on-one with Nick and serenaded by the Backstreet Boys while the audience and America is dead silent watching. It. Is. So. Awkward.

"This is my worst nightmare repeated over and over and over and over." -Corinne and also me and also God.

The nighttime portion of the date happens and Danielle gets the rose. Corinne also tells the other women she has a nanny. Everyone is shocked and angry. I don't think they know how to properly admit they are jealous.

One-On-One Date: You make me feel like I'm floating

Vanessa and Nick are astronauts for the day. Nick is wearing a Top Gun outfit and I'm into it. They get into this plane with zero gravity and float around. They kiss while in the air. It's charming. It's cute. Vanessa is the prettiest woman I've ever laid eyes on. Her blush is perfect. Then she gets sick. She begins puking. Nick takes care of her. This might seem embarrassing, but nothing brings a man and woman together better than the man having to take care of the woman. She gets to act weak and he gets to act tough and strong. They kiss even after she puked. It's love.

For the nighttime portion of the date, they go to the tallest building in LA and it's looking over LA and honestly, it's the prettiest thing I've ever seen. I'm falling in love with Nick right now and I'm on my couch in Texas.

They talk about dead grandpas and roses and Andi Dorfman. He cries. They kiss. She gets the rose.

This show literally never ends.

Group Date: I'm tired of playing the field.

When the group date comes, Brittany is ecstatic. She nearly spills her red wine. She reads the world "field" and knows it's sports-related. Finally she can shine! Her athletic ability will win Nick over!

Except she is not shining. Alexis and Astrid and Rachel are great at track and field. So maybe Brittany can take it down a notch next time she thinks she's gonna succeed at something.

Proverbs 11:2 "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."
There's a final challenge and Astrid wins and Dominique, who literally no one knows, is so mad. She has been overshadowed.

Nighttime portion of the date
Dominique decides to confront him because men love to be confronted. She tells him he isn't paying enough attention to her. It goes well for her because he sends her home. As she cries in his arms, he has one eye on the car arriving to get her. Nick is very bad at hiding when he's really, really not into these women.

Nick decides he doesn't want a cocktail party. He wants a pool party instead! With a bounce house! And women in bikinis!

Corinne hasn't had enough one-on-one time with him where she is overly sexual, so she lures him into the castle bounce house. She straddles him and Nick lets her because of course. The other women of course see this and become livid. Even if Nick had cried to Vanessa earlier in the week, she's not afraid to say, If you're looking for someone to screw around with, then don't give me the rose.

Whitney says "Some people are having too much fun." That quote isn't important but the fact that there's someone named Whitney still on this show is. Literally, who are you?????

no idea.
Raven tells Nick that Corinne has a nanny. Nick's ears perk up like a lil doggie. He's not concerned. He's excited. That nanny could be his, too.

THANKS FOR READING!!!! WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEEK WHEN THINGS CONTINUE TO BE SEXUAL AND WEIRD AND YET KIND OF BORING.

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