Monday, January 23, 2017

The Bachelor Episode 4: #WomensMarch

original photo via boston globe

Little baby disclaimer: I watch the show live without DVR, without any rewinding or pausing or anything. And a lot of times with someone else in the room talking, giving me their opinion. And I mess up a lot. Last week, I referred to a Lindsey on multiple occasions. Turns out, there is no Lindsey. Her name is Danielle. I woke up in the middle of the night and realized this. Also, thanks to my fb friend Cory Graves, I screwed up the Janet Jackson thing. Corinne was talking about JJ's Rolling Stone cover. But I've never spelled Corinne's name wrong, MULTIPLE TIMES ON DIFFERENT OCCASIONS, unlike People Magazine. That's all.



I, and my blog views, sense y'all are losing interest. The middle episodes are hard because it's no longer campy and not quite super romantic. You have some women who still talk to the bachelor like he's a celebrity and some women begin naming their kids with him.

Raven lets us know that she thinks Corinne is insecure because she leads with her sexuality. Hey, Raven: Every woman is insecure in some way. If you don't feel sexy, you probably try to out-wit everyone in the room. If you don't feel smart, you straddle the guy you like in a princess bouncy house. This isn't groundbreaking. This is being a woman. Welcome. MARCH FOR RAVEN 2017.

All of the women sit around and hype one another up. Corinne is bad. Corinne is sexy. Corinne is flexible. Vanessa sits Nick down and cusses a lot. She knows she's the frontrunner. She tells Nick if he just wants someone to eff around with, she will give her rose back. Nick says pls pls don't, mommy, pls pls love me. Nick asks Vanessa to be more patient regarding Corinne. HEY NICK. Vanessa is literally a special ed teacher. And she's fed up with your shit. Amazing.

While Vanessa is taking care of Nick, Mental Health Counselor and Sarah wake the sleeping Corinne up and tell her to stop being so ~slutty and ~privileged.~ Corinne says she is not privileged. SOMEONE ORGANIZE A MARCH FOR CORINNE.

#CorinnesMarch2017 to fight for her rights as a white woman on The Bachelor who has a maid and runs a multimillion dollar business her parents gave her. #notprivileged

Rose Ceremony Time
MHC says that she thinks women will leave on their own will if Nick gives Corinne a rose. MHC is the dumbest person with the word mental in her occupation title I've ever known. NO ONE IS GOING TO SAY BYE TO THIS SHOW. DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S AT THE END OF THIS SHOW? A LIFESTYLE BLOG, A GIG ON SOME YOUTUBE CHANNEL TALKING ABOUT THE BACHELOR, A SUNGLASSES LINE, AND POSSIBLY A FIANCE FOR 8 MONTHS. WOMEN DON'T WALK AWAY FROM THIS SHIT, MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR. LEARN SOMETHING WITH THOSE 19 DEGREES YOU CLAIM TO HAVE.

I'm done.

Roses go to: Raven, Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Jasmine, Alexis, Astrid, Danielle, Jaimi, Josephine, Sarah, Corinne

Christen and her wet hair and Brittany are sent home and honest to god, the look Christen gives Nick is so shady. So extra.

As Nick begins to make a toast, Corinne makes one.

She says how excited she is, about how they are all so privileged and honored, how they should take every day as great, not to let a moment go by where you aren't going to be yourself, etc.

The next morning Chris Harrison tells the women there are only 15 of them left. They should take great pride in that because making a man fall in love with you is important. He announces that they are traveling! Wisconsin! The girls pretend that's as exciting as Bora Bora and begin to pack.

We meet Nick and his parents in his hometown in idontcare, Wisconsin. His mother cries because her son has been on this show four times and still can't trick a woman into liking him. His dad is hot, which is exciting for Nick's future wife because Nick will grow up to look like that and that's exciting for everyone.

The women meet Nick in a field somewhere and Nick says bye bye to everyone but Danielle, who I sometimes call Lindsey, IT'S FINE, WHATEVER. They begin on their date around the beautiful city of icantspellthenameandrefusetogoogle, Wisconsin.

They make cookies in a bakery/deli, they kiss in a field, they hold hands, Nick points out the library, and OH YEAH THEY RUN INTO NICK'S EX-GIRLFRIEND WHO JUST HAPPENED TO BE SITTING IN A WINDOW SEAT AT A LOCAL STARBUCKS.

Nick and Danielle talk to the ex-girlfriend and I know this may seem awkward, but I would pay money to talk to a boyfriend's ex-girlfriend in the beginning stages. I wouldn't want to chat with her months in, but like after the first date, sure. What really wrong. What's his mom like. Does he snore.

The ex-girlfriend tells Danielle that Nick is single because when he's not into it, he's not into it? It gives zero insight and it was a waste of time so what even was the point. Why even. Why.

Nighttime portion of date
Nick takes Danielle and HER GIANT BOOBS to a cozy lil bar. He's literally on a date with three women right now because those two boobs should have a show of their own. She talks about her parents' divorce and Nick tries to look her in the eyes.


He gives her the rose and they head to a concert. A random white man is singing on stage and I would pay $20,000 if it was Luke Pell. ABC should really use past Bachelor/ette contestants who have a singing career for these dates. And for Luke to sing to a man who took his gig and a woman he could have dated would have been amazing. #WOW #rememberwhenlukethoughthewasgoingtobethebachelor #riplukeanddanielle #beforeitevenhappened

Group Date: Say cheese

The women walk into a farm to see Nick feeding a baby cow, wow congrats, what else can he do, he's superman.

He makes the women milk cows and shovel poop and feed cows. Jaimi is distraught Nick can't properly handle the tits. Not my words. She says he should be better at handling the cow's tits and milking them. So she steps in. And milks the cow effortlessly. There's a joke in there about her being bisexual and a chef and I'm sure other things, BUT I'M ABOVE THAT.

ok but leave it to the bi girl to handle the tits well. there. sry.

Nighttime portion
I do not know the difference between Whitney and Astrid and I would pay Nick Viall $400 to tell me who is who.

Corinne starts to sense that the other women have an issue with her, so she decides to address everyone. "We're all in this together," she says.



The women attack her for napping and honestly, I feel personally attacked for it. Corinne stands up for herself, for me, for all nappers. "Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps. I am so sorry for sleeping." It's my favorite thing ever.

She does some proactive PR-ing and decides to tell Nick about the issue with the other women. Nick understands because Nick was once hated by everyone. But truthfully Nick doesn't care. Nick is taking Corinne all the way to the fantasy suite and then dumping her.

Group date rose goes to Kristina because she told Nick she has had a rough past. MARCH FOR KRISTINA 2017.

Side note: She is the female Kenny Wormald.

same smile idk

One-On-One Date: Let's kick it

Raven and Nick begin on their realistic date. They watch Nick's kid sister, Bella's, soccer game. Raven meets Nick's parents and the dad is kind of hitting on Raven???? I'm kind of into it???? Why isn't she flirting back???? #DATETHESONDATETHEDAD

Then they head to the roller rink. Nick/the producers make Bella interrogate Raven. Bella is 12, I assume, and 12-year-olds should never be on TV. Child labor laws. Awkward stages. Gapped teeth. It just shouldn't be allowed.

Once Raven passes the Bella Test, Raven and Nick skate around to the song "Kiss Me." You know the one that goes, kiss me under the milky skyline, or whatever. AND IT'S FREAKIN ADORABLE AND ROMANTIC and wow I wish my boyfriend would take me to a roller rink with his kid sister's entire soccer team. ROMANCE.

For the nighttime portion of the date, they eat dinner on a ship, I think. Raven looks stunning in her stunning dress and now I want to shop at her clothing boutique in Arkansas. Raven tells the story of her ex cheating on her. Nick connects with it because he was cheated on. They are connecting and it's wonderful and Raven just moved up a million notches and she's one of my faves now. Hated her at the beginning of this sode, now I love her. She gets the rose. They kiss. AND THEY ROLLERBLADE AROUND THE SHIP, WOW, THIS IS TOO MUCH, I'M ACTUALLY IN LOVE WITH THIS COUPLE, SOMEONE HOLD ME.

Side lil note: My roommate decided to take a phone call and talk at full volume in the same room as me, so I could not hear the date entirely. I should just blog about her family history and a person named Sugar Booger because that's what she was talking about on the phone and I'm not mad at all.

Cocktail Hour before Rose Ceremony
MHC hates everyone and is the most annoying creature on this planet. Corinne agrees and decides to confront her. It's the exact same fight Ashley I. and Kelsey had during Prince Farming's season. Corinne claims to be smart while MHC talks down to her and says Corinne isn't emotionally smart enough for a man who went on a show four times to find a girlfriend. SOMEONE ORGANIZE A MARCH FOR MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR. OR FOR NICK. OR FOR ME.

It ends with a To Be Continued...

THANKS FOR READING ALONG!!! TWEET ME UR BACH THOTS @paginaskinner AND SHARE THIS WITH UR FRIENDS. I WANT 200 VIEWS! bye.

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