Monday, January 30, 2017

The Bachelor Episode 5: What Voodoo You Do In NOLA


**my boyfriend came up with that title, i'm so sry**

I missed the first 10 minutes because I was at Burger Street getting a frito pie.

But I make it time to see the rose ceremony. Roses go to in order: Whitney, Danielle, Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine, Vanessa, Alexis, Corinne, Taylor

Astrid and Sarah go home and no one cares except my boyfriend is a little upset he sent Sarah home who "looks like a mail-order bride." So. Happy Monday, everyone.

Chris Harrison announces they are heading to New Orleans! All of a sudden, the women are dancing in the street, shopping in a store, BUT I CANNOT FOCUS BECAUSE BOYFRIEND IS GOING ON AND ON ABOUT A HORROR MOVIE WITH I QUOTE "ALL HIS CRUSHES"

The movie is called Black Christmas and it has Michelle Trachtenberg, Lacey Chabert, and Katie Cassidy. I honestly thought I was the only human who had a crush on Katie Cassidy, but here we are.




I look up at the TV and the women are in a bathtub with their clothes on and now jumping on the bed and this show. I can't. This show.

Chris Harrison comes into the hotel room and tells them about the week's dates. A one-on-one, group date, and two-on-one date. He says about the two-on-one date that one of the women will probably go home. Probably???????? It's always been definitely in the past????? Can we not change the rules 21 seasons in??????? Thank you??????

One-On-One Date: Where have you beignet all my life?


Rachel can't stop talking about the butterflies Nick gives her. Does she have butterflies or diarrhea from drinking all the time???? She also keeps reminding us that's she's NOT usually like this. Like usually she doesn't even get excited for dates. Like Nick makes her feel something different. Y'all, Rachel isn't even Rachel right now.

They meet up in the streets of New Orleans and they physically cannot stop kissing. Rachel is wearing a leotard bodysuit thing with no bra and it's ambitious and admirable and it's working because Nick cannot keep his hands off her. Good for them. I'm so happy for them.

They eat beignet and Nick gets powdered sugar all over him. It's not cute, Rachel thinks it's cute and wipes it from his face like the mommy she was born to be.

"They're kind of cute! I actually kind of dig it." -my boyfriend.


Then all of a sudden, they spy a second line, which is band to celebrate something, and Rachel and Nick begin dancing in the streets of New Orleans. Nick can actually dance and I'm into it.

Nighttime portion
Rachel is wearing a great black and lacy dress and it looks like every LBD I've ever owned. Nick is wearing a baby blue sweater that looks like something early 1990s Justin Timberlake would wear.

Immediately, Rachel senses this day has been too much fun. I mean there was dancing and benigns and more dancing and kissing. So she brings up a funeral she attended in NOLA. It caused her to think. Life is short. I should do more. I should go on The Bachelor.

She says her "daddy" is a federal judge and Nick is terrified. I've never seen a white boy so terrified. Nick switches the subject by reminding Rachel that he has asked two other daddies for their daughters' hands in marriage before. He says, "That bothers me." Rachel's face says, OH IT BOTHERS YOU????? But it doesn't bother her too much because Rachel is like not vulnerable ever. She's a lawyer and never shows emotion. But she likes Nick. And feels vulnerable. BITCH JUST SAY YOU CRY TWICE A DAY LIKE THE REST OF US. I CRIED ONE TIME WHEN THE SUN DIDN'T COME OUT. I CRIED ONE TIME WHEN A LIL GIRL GOT A PUPPY ON LIVE WITH KELLY. I CRIED ONE TIME DURING AN EPISODE OF KUWTK. BITCH JUST SAY YOU CRY LIKE THE REST OF US.

I'm fine.

Nick gives her the rose and she literally jumps his bones and kisses him like his tongue has an engagement ring attached. It's stressful.

"I don't believe in fairytales, but I believe in today and today was a fairytale."



Group date: Til death do us part


This entire date takes place at a haunted house. Jasmine keeps saying how she doesn't believe in the ghost, an 8-year-old little girl named Mae. Jasmine even grabs her hat and wears it! Ha! Little Mae! Jasmine ain't afraid of no ghost!

The other women are scared. They play with an ouija board just for good measure. It's super boring. This show can't even make a haunted house exciting. "Do we get a rose?"

ouija board like "no"

The only thing interesting about this group date is when he sits down with Dead Fiance Danielle, he like doesn't face her. The good thing about Nick is it's very obvious when he's into someone and when he's not. Then when he sits down with Raven, he is fully facing her and talking to her. However, he does end up giving the rose to Dead Fiance Danielle even though RAVEN TOLD HIM SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM. I think it was accidental???? But then she liked owned it???? And we've all accidentally told a guy "love you!" when we finish a phone convo with them, but this was KIND OF SERIOUS????? Also, I've never accidentally said love you to a guy at the end of a phone convo and I've never called my teacher mom, but you get it.

Two-On-One Date: Meet me in the bayou 


I'm about to say something that might lose me some blog viewers. But I don't hate Corinne. She's not a villain. She's a girl with big hips who likes to nap and I can relate to that. She does nothing to harm the other women's relationships with Nick. However, I believe Taylor, the mental health counselor, is a bully. I can say that because I was cyber-bullied by Jonas Brothers fans on Twitter today, so like I relate to Corinne on a lot of levels.

I just don't like Corinne's extensions.

Anyway, Taylor, Corinne, and Nick head to a Louisiana bayou. They get their cards read and some hippie woman says there is negative energy, blah blah blah. Corinne and Nick sit alone and Corinne tells him she was bullied by Taylor. Then Taylor sits down with Nick and says SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT MENTALLY MATURE MEANS. Nick seems annoyed but he picks the girl he's more likely to have sex with.

Corinne gets the rose and Taylor goes into the woods and gets oils put on her????

Taylor looks possessed and I do not understand how she's a mental health counselor. While Corinne and Nick are sitting at dinner, making out, Taylor walks in AND REMEMBER WHEN DURING SEASON 5 OF THE BACHELOR, TRISH GOT SENT HOME AND THEN WALKED IN ON JESSE AND MANDY JAYE'S DATE??????? DO I HAVE THE BEST MEMORY????? DOES ANYONE REMEMBER???

pls never forget when he forgot a name during the first rose ceremony or when he chose a girl named jessica or when jessica was first to get out the limo during last rose ceremony and still won wow a lot of things happened this season never ever forget

The sode ends with a to be continued because I guess that's how we're ending all sodes.

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