Monday, February 6, 2017

The Bachelor Episode 6: CAN SOMEONE GET KRISTINA A SANDWICH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD


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My name is Augusta and I blog at itsfineimfine.com. Two things: I used to recap The Bachelor and also I hate watching The Bachelor. I only did it for the blog views and attention and I don’t see why that’s desperate. I blogged both Ben and Jojo’s seasons and it was the most exhausting thing I’ve ever done in my life. I said never again.


But here we are.

I have not watched a single episode all season and I have never watched a season/sode with Nick Viall. I know nothing.

OKAY LADIES LET'S DIVE IN.

Taylor was sent home. Does everyone already know that? Taylor chose a patterned shirt from 2003 to deliver her passionate diatribe against Corinne. She storms in on Nick and Corinne’s dinner date and asks to speak with Nick alone. He put one hand over his mouth, trying very hard to look shocked. Corrine’s lip kit has stayed put, despite glasses of wine and drama. I wonder if she’s linking it on her Instagram.

Corinne is literally talking to herself alone at the dinner table.

Nick’s beard is tute. She’s talking in circles and no one is following until she tells Nick to “open his eye balls.” FINALLY, Taylor, WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST SAY SO!

I’m hearing Nick talk for literally the first time in my life. He talks like he has marbles in his mouth? Like with his tongue in the back of his throat, like a grottly noise??? Does he have a lisp???? Is he a country singer?? His accent is not yet southern not yet Midwestern???????????

 “What I’ve learned today is cats have 9 lives and bitches have 2.” –Corinne

Taylor is trying so hard to cry in the limo. Like gas may come out of her she’s trying so hard.
Corinne might be an off-duty playboy model. Her boobs are overexposed and every time she looks at the camera I feel violated.  

LITERAL VIOLATED

Rose Ceremony.

Raven is one of those girls that doesn’t open her mouth when she talks. Whitney looks like Natasha from SATC. There’s an aspiring dolphin trainer, so at least we know she has a plan B at SeaWorld.

(THERE ARE 800 CAR ALARMS GOING OFF OUTSIDE LANE’S APARTMENT AND THE WATER HEATER MAKES AN UNGODLY HIGH PITCHED CONSTANT SQEAK AND I’M GETTING A CHARLIE HORSE IN MY RIGHT FOOT EVERYTHING IS FINE)

Chris Harrison floated in like the angel he is and announced there will be no cocktail party. Corinne chugged champagne in her monologue like a good girl.

Natasha is wearing a wedding dress.

Nick walks up in a well-matched plaid suit and there is no way he picked it out himself. Who is she.

Roses: Kristine, Raven, Vanessa (BOOBS MCGEE), Danielle (modest low bun, modest girl), Jasmine (straight out of the Sheri Hill prom dress catalog), and finally Whitney (Natasha).

A black girl with a blonde mini fro and purple lips looks very pissed off. Her name is Jaimi. She’s crying because she realized she was dumped while wearing purple lipstick.

Alexis is crying. Alexis says “It’s hard for me to be vulnerable,” while wearing a low cut bodycon dress.

Nick is super monotone. Even when trying to enthusiastically yell, “We’re going to Saint Thomas!” it just fell flat. I don’t know if he really feels anything he’s experiencing tbh.

Now all the girls have on their denim cut offs and white v-necks, poised for the walking along the beach shot. Touring their new mansion with their legs, jumping on the bed with their legs, frolicking on the balcony with their legs. OH BOY HOW I MISSED BLOGGING ABOUT THE FETAL WOMEN OF THE BACHELOR!

Nick arrives wearing, stg, short shorts that rival the girls' short shorts. They look like Chubbies. His spray tan looks great.

First date: Kristina.

lord

She’s very pretty and I cannot understand anything she says so I’m wondering if that’s what Nick sees in her too.

Kristina is Russian and was adopted and is already more interesting and fascinating than I’ll be my entire life. They make out hard out of nowhere. They take the party to the ocean, straddling all the way. I did not mean that to sound like a dirty Christmas carol. 

An older black woman named Lorena (Lauren? Laura??) asked the girls if they need anything. Corinne proceeds to treats her like The Help, saying, “I have a little wrinkle in my shirt can you help me?!” and making L bring her snacks while she lays out by the pool. I can almost spot the "Make America Great Again" hat in her beach bag. 

Kristina tells a story about how she starved as an orphan child, which is also my go-to  strategy for attention on dates, and also to remind men how skinny I am. "Yes, I weighed like 70 pounds once when I was little. I am so small." -me

Something something idk Kristina is telling a story about how her abusive Russian mother got mad at her for eating and kicked her out of the house as a child so she ran away to an orphanage or something to that effect? OH CRY ME A RIVER KRISTINE. MY SOCIAL MEDIA CLIENT IS DOWN IN CHICKEN NUGGET SALES THIS WEEK CAN YOU NOT?????????/ 

Bitch gets a rose.

kristina or vladmir putin i honestly cant tell

“Krishtina is taking care of hershelf.” –Nick

From what I understand about Nick, he’s really into brunettes, and I think he is VERY into our Russian friend. I honestly think Kristina might be a robot created by Putin to infiltrate the USA, and we won't even care, because everyone is just so upset she starved as a child. TAKE ANYTHING YOU WANT KRISTINA. SHIT. 

o wow v deep thots here

Back at the mansion, all the girls are wearing white shirts. I wonder why.

“Seems like a more multicultural group of women. There’s a significant lack of basic white girls.” –Lane, surrounded by the women on the TV and me, a whole garden of exotic wildflower women before him.

Group Date.

Here’s the part where we judge the women based on how they look playing beach volley ball in nothing but small bikinis. I’ve eaten like 89 Tagalongs tonight. 

We see Corinne taking shots alone and suddenly I like her. We see things grow rapidly more intense and the monologues lose the hopeful spirit and turn into hopeless/drunk rants about “running out of time.”  

“I’m not going to compete for Nick’s attention.” –Rachel, on a reality TV show where 30 women compete for 1 man.

Multiple women are crying and I have literally lost track of all the reasons. Nick acknowledges the day was a disaster, but presumably still thinks going on this show was a great idea. Everyone is sitting alone on a beach and crying wishing they were sitting on a couch eating Taglongs. 

Group Date Night.

Rachel seems like she’s way too smart to be on this show, yet says she’s falling for Nick, so I'm done. 

Jasmine is having a ballistic mental breakdown because she’s never had a one-on-one date with Nick, or at this point, possibly never even had a father, food, shelter, or the feeling of democracy.

She reminds me of Gabrielle Union in Bring It On and it scares me. Jasmine keeps saying she needs to know where he stands, needs to know what he thinks. ME THINKS HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

yes mam

FINALLY She is alone with Nick and the first thing out of her mouth is that all the other women are “different people” when he’s not around. Now she’s bawling. Now she’s rambling about how she likes him so much but wants to choke him. Now she’s talking about choking him while having sex.



Nick tells her it’s “time to say goodbye." 

Like goodbye to all your future professional career opportunities. 

Two-on-one: Danielle & Whitney

Two long haired, skinny brunettes go head to head in this date. They’re both wearing flimsy clothes over bikinis, with full makeup and hair.

Back at the mansion, the girls continue the age-old, fascinating conversation of “Where His Head Is At.”

Already making his mind up, Nick chose the brunette with the fake eye lashes. Danielle. He tells the other brunette goodbye and they share a long hug. Nick and Danielle fly off in a helicopter, leaving Whitney alone on an island, a La Olivia on Ben’s season.

Is there anything sadder than crying alone on the beach while wearing a necklace with your initial on it.

I very much respect that Nick does not try to be on everyone’s good side. He seems to make his mind up and then immediately act on it, AKA, immediately send someone home. So refreshing. So not like Ben.

Danielle looks like Catherine Lowe and Sean won't tweet me back I'm fine. 

Date night with Danielle

Nick is sweating profusely while listening to Danielle spill her gushy feelings to him. He takes on a somber look. I can tell he's thinking about Kristina starving as a child.

WOW he starts breaking up with her. This is unreal. Nick is so true to himself it's alarming. He's crying while telling her he doesn't feel the same. BEN WOULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS Ben would have been like here's a key oh wait it's not even fantasy suite night i dont like u but i love u.

That just goes to show you that wearing a long white dress does NOT signal "bride material" in a man's mind. 

bai dani

ok I was expecting a lot of things to happen on tonight's episode, but I was NOT expecting to like Nick. After sending a third girl home today, Nick worries all his relationships with the girls will end like this. 

NICK WALKS INTO THE MANSION AND IS CRYING. TEARS DOWN HIS FACE. TEARS IN BEARD SITUATION. He keeps saying, "I just want to be honest."

BAWLING. HE'S BAWLING. All the girls are falling so hard rn. Nothing hotter than a sensitive crying man with a beard. 

I can't stand Raven. She's like a 5 year old trapped in a twenty-something human. 

He left and all the girls are crying.

Upcoming teasers: Everyone's crying. Tears. Distress. Then Corinne talks about her "sex abilities" and calls her vagina "vageen" so i'm done im done literally forever

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