Monday, February 13, 2017

The Bachelor Episode 7: Nick Thinks With His Brain For First Time Ever

he has one.

We are in the beautiful St. Thomas. The sun is shining. The water is blue. But the women are also blue. They are sad. Will Nick go home and say goodbye to all of this? What's waiting for him at home? More Instagram followers? Another season of Bachelor in Paradise? Money owed to ABC?

Nick's not going home. Don't be silly. He would at least wait until the fantasy suite date. He's not dumb enough to go home early and miss a chance on Dancing With The Stars. Nick is sticking it out until he gets to stick it in in a few weeks.

I am so so so so so so so sorry for that.

He comes into the women's hotel room and they all look like hell.


He says he sees potential in the room. He tells the women to cancel the cocktail party, rose ceremony, and head to an island I've never heard of.

The women land in the ocean and I'm surprised there isn't a plug for that Tom Hanks movie, but anyway. Date card arrives.

One-On-One: Let's Go Deeper... 

Vanessa gets the date. Corinne looks at her and says, "Lucky bitch." It's hilarious. Vanessa says, "Well then." Corinne is so ungotten.

"I'm getting frustrated and I'm really bloated." -Corinne. Like, how many times have you said that exact sentence at any given moment on any given day.

Back at the hotel
Corinne doesn't think Vanessa has depth. Vanessa is a special needs teacher, speaks a million languages, likes her family. She has more depth in one eyelash than I have in my entire body.

Back on the boat
Vanessa says she's never been on a boat before, so I take back my depth comment. But she does calm Nick's nerves and says she's not going anywhere. They make out in their swimsuits. Then they make out in the ocean.

Nighttime portion of the date
VANESSA'S DRESS.

OH MY GOD.

HOW THE HELL IS SHE NOT WIFED UP.

Nick actually looks her in the eye when she's speaking, which is odd for him, so maybe he does like her. Wow, what a concept????

She tells Nick she's falling in love with him. They make out.

He gives a 30-minute speech about how many times he's been in love but he thinks there's an even greater love for him out there.



He tells her he likes her a lot.



I'm having Juan Pablo flashbacks. Vanessa is not happy. She should have told Ben she loves him. He probably would have said it back.

Group Date: I did not hear what was on the card.

It's Kristina, Raven, and Corinne. They're on a boat. Nick begins to rub sunscreen on Kristina. No one else. He rubs it on in her inner thigh.


He touches no one else. It's amazing. He tells the women they are going to swim with sharks. They all pretend to not care. Raven even says she's going to punch one in the face. lol ok arkansas.

All five dive in. That's Kristina, Corinne, Nick, Raven, and Raven's belly button ring. Is there anything more small town girl trying to make it big on The Bachelor than a belly button ring???? It's painful, I'm in pain.

Kristina stops trying to fake it and heads back on the boat. Nick follows her and sticks his tongue down her throat to make her feel safe. She appreciates it.

Nighttime portion of the date
Nick cannot stop talking about sending Danielle home last week. He starts crying as he confides in Kristina about it. I love a nice man cry, don't get me a wrong, but I cannot imagine watching a man I'm dating cry over breaking up with another girl. I would be like ok????? Congrats??? Go and get her then???

He sits down with Raven and admits that if he was a brother or dad and some girl brought him home, he would have a shit ton of questions. It's a nice moment of self-awareness. Raven lies and says her dad's lung cancer kept her from finishing law school. Raven was in law school?????????? Real life Legally Blonde????? Yes I'm typecasting and I don't care????? Could you imagine Raven as your lawyer?????

Corinne sits down with him and grabs his face and starts kissing him. It's fine.

But Raven gets the rose. They immediately leave the other two sitting on the couch. They go on the beach to some white boy singing. They dance and kiss.

One-On-One: Let's run off into the sunset together...

Danielle is the most boring creature on the face of the earth and I've watched a show about the Duggars. Danielle might be more boring than the Duggar girls. Danielle is a Duggar.


Nick and Danielle ride bikes and play basketball with the local black boys. They randomly grind in the middle of the street and it's like watching the youth minister's wife grind. She's wearing the tiniest shorts and it's all so painful.

But then it gets more painful. They try to have a conversation. I can't even watch because it's so painful. I play a few games of Solitaire while these two talk about Wisconsin.

Nighttime portion of the date
Danielle cannot read a man if her life depended on it and we know that because her ex-fiance died of a drug overdose and she's didn't even know he was using, so like this girl is great at reading signs. She tells him how much she likes him and he says he can't say the same. He breaks up with her.

He tells her she is great. She says, "Not great enough." We've all been there. We've all been dumped and so down in the dumps that you're like, wow no man will ever love me, wow am i even lovable.

But it's ok, Danielle. You will find some man to bore until death and all will be fine.

She heads back to the hotel to gather her things. She tells the other women goodbye. She is in shambles. The other women do.not.give.a.shit. I imagine they are happy to not have to hear her monotoned voice anymore.

Corinne takes this opportunity to make Nick feel good if you know what I mean. Do you get it. You pick up what I'm putting down. CORINNE WANTS TO USE HER PLATINUM VAGEEN TO MAKE NICK FEEL GOOD.

She heads to his hotel room and immediately starts drinking. She lures him into his bedroom. No cameras go in there bc porn but we still hear him tell her to slow down. EVERYONE ALERT NEW YORK TIMES, A MAN JUST THOUGHT WITH HIS BRAIN INSTEAD OF PENIS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY.



Corinne is of course embarrassed. I mean she's spent all season talking about her platinum vageen and now Nick turned it down. I can't even imagine. She heads out of the hotel and doesn't go through the automatic doors. She instead pushes a door open. This is random, but I find it interesting.

One-On-One Date: Let's get a taste of the local flavor


Rachel and Nick head to a bar where only the local hang out. They both order beer. No, like, they just tell the bartender beer. I wish life was really that simple. Nick gets straight to the point and asks what we're all thinking.

"Am I the typical guy you take home?"

She dances around the question and says he is and he isn't.



"No, I've never brought home a white guy."

Ok, that's all we needed to know.

Rachel has never brought home a white guy and I'm terrified for Nick. He once again asks her what to call her father. Lol, i'm so scared for this poor white boy. Rachel and Nick are having a great time. Then she says this about the date:

"It was as easy as the breeze flowing through the bar."

OH MY GOD HOW IS SEVENTH GRADE ENGLISH CLASS, RACHEL. PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP YOUR DAY JOB AS A LAWYER.

There is no nighttime portion of the date, so Rachel heads home. Corinne is freaking out and honestly, I don't blame her. She and her vagina were rejected and now Rachel and her flowy skirt walk in all confident.

But everyone wants to bring Nick home to meet their family. Why. Why is this a thing everyone wants to do? DOES NO ONE HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER? IS EVERYONE JUST SO CALM AT THE THOUGHT OF A BOYFRIEND MEETING THEIR FATHER? CONGRATS, LADIES. I'LL BE OVER HERE POPPING MY ZOLOFT JUST THINKING ABOUT THE TIME MY OLDER CLOSETED GAY EX-BOYFRIEND PICKED ME UP FOR OUR FIRST DATE THE FIRST TIME. I'M SO GLAD THIS IS SO EASY FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

Nick sits down with Chris Harrison and tells him he knows who he wants to send home. But he doesn't want to do it at a rose ceremony. He wants to catch the woman off-guard while she's wearing a plaid shirt and pearl earrings like the sorority girl she is and do it then.

He walks into the hotel room and finds Kristina. He says he just can't do it.

Kristina is angry and I like it. She tells him he didn't give her a fair chance. HAS KRISTINA NOT BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH, NICK/AMERICA/GOD? GOOD LORD WHAT ELSE DOES THIS WOMAN HAVE TO GO THROUGH?

She doesn't cry and as a woman who cries when my boyfriend and I can't agree on a TV show to watch, I respect her so much.

They say goodbye and Nick leans over a balcony and cries.



Please for the love of God, can Kristina go on Paradise and fall in love with Wells?

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