Monday, February 20, 2017

The Bachelor Episode 8: Raven's Dad Is Cancer-Free

courtesy of bach twitter accnt

Some quick thoughts:
I tried blogging the Britney Spears Lifetime movie and honest to god, it ended up being just a serious review of the movie. But if enough people want it, I will try again. Let me know in the comments if you want it.

Does Nick just like the chase? He literally gets turned off when a woman says she loves him. He also looooooved Andi and Kaitlyn and I'm not job-shaming anyone (i mean i'm blogging rn), but Kaitlyn was a dance teacher who we never actually saw working and she never actually ever spoke about her job. And now he's got a special ed teacher, a lawyer, and others standing in front of him and he doesn't seem into any of them. Does he literally just like to chase a woman?

I think Rachel was announced as the Bachelorette before we saw her get sent home to kind of alert black guys to think about auditioning for the show. I think the whole diversity problem was probably a catch 22. Black guys weren't auditioning, no black guys on the show, then because of that, even less audition.

Now for the sode:
It's stormy in the Bahamas and stormy in Nick's heart. He just said goodbye to Kristina. Corinne is nervous she's going home. The others seem pretty confident.

everyone but corinne

Nick walks in and once again just cancels a rose ceremony. I truly believe eventually, there will only be one rose ceremony on this show. He tells the women it was hard to say goodbye to Kristina, but he wants to make sure the remaining four women want to be there. He hands out roses to all of them while they are sitting on a couch in their lounge wear.

Nick gives Corinne a rose and says, "I could not be more excited to meet Raquel."

Raven's hometown date: Hoxie, Arkansas

We meet Raven on a four-wheeler and WOW, does Jamie Lynn Spears' daughter's recent accident mean nothing to you? WOW.

She tells the camera that Nick is going to see "a little fun, a little sexy, a little sassy side" of her. Oh, good.

I'm going to say something and I stg if anyone gets offended by it, I will shut down this blog. But you should not wear tennis shoes with jean shorts. I'm still iffy on jean shorts in the first place. But jean shorts and tennis shoes that are not high-tops do nothing for even the best legs. I was looking at Raven and I was like, does she have bad legs???? No, she's just wearing tennis shoes and jean shorts together and it just looks bad.
Raven and her legs show Nick the "grain bin" and they begin to climb up it. Then a cop comes and questions them. Turns out the cop is Raven's brother. But more importantly, I had to ask my roommate what a grain bin was, but I called it a drain bin. In fact, I thought they were climbing up a water tower. #CITYGIRL4LYFE

I'm not sure what happened, but suddenly Nick and Raven started playing in the water mud, the watermud, the muddy water. It's like every guy's dream but instead of two girls, it's Raven and Nick. It's probably Nick's dream. It's uncomfortable.
I wish Raven would part her hair differently. I think that would fix a lot of my issues with her.

They clean up and go to meet Raven's parents at their home. I assume Raven doesn't live there anymore, but who knows. Raven is wearing a see-through white lacy top while bringing her new TV whore boyfriend home. Congrats.

They walk inside and immediately begin talking about her dad's cancer. He had cancer, then he got rid of it, then Raven's mom was like, hey, guess what! Daddy is cancer-free. Like, they kind of tricked her into believing he had cancer again??? Then Raven started crying. Then she was crying because she just loves her parents and wants a love like theirs. ALL WHILE NICK IS JUST SITTING THERE.


Raven and Daddy talk and Raven is so excited that Daddy is alive and will see her walk down the aisle one day. I'm sorry, but just because he's cancer-free doesn't mean that?????? I could go into A LOT of scenarios, but like, I know you're from Butthole, Arkansas, but MARRIAGE IS NOT EVERYTHING.

Raven tells her mom she feels different with Nick and that she didn't feel this way with her ex. Umm, two different relationships???

"Everything is easy when you find the right person." -Raven's mom

IS THAT TRUE????? I FEEL LIKE THAT'S WHAT DISNEY TELLS US AND THAT'S WHY I CRY EVERY TIME ANYTHING GOES WRONG EVER.

Raven's mom then gets even more absurd and says Nick is the most serious love interest Raven has ever had. She.Cannot.Be.Serious. I once dated a guy for two whole months and called him the wrong name the entire time and it was more serious than Nick and Raven. I just.

Rachel's hometown date: Dallas, Texas

We're in Dallas!!!

Rachel says there are soooo many things to do in Dallas and I know that because I go to the same restaurant every week and shop at one store for all my clothes. Variety!

Nick is so dressed up. He looks like he's about to go on a job interview. He's wearing sleeves for the first time this season and I'm into it.

Raven takes him to Chilis Desperados Nordstrom Katy Trail brunch church!!!

Idk what church it is, but it looks like Watermark but replace the white millennials in Chacos with black people in church clothes.

Nick looks really uncomfortable and like he's never been in church before and like he's about to burst into flames, but then he like tells the camera that he grew up in church??? But like did you go go to church or like Easter/Christmas go to church? THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

"Faith was a big part of my parents' upbringing." -Nick

OH WELL JUST A FEW GENERATIONS AWAY, YOU'RE PRACTICALLY JESUS.

Rachel and Nick head to Rachel's parents' house, I assume, but her father, WHO IS A FEDERAL JUDGE, is nowhere to be seen. Instead, we meet: mom, sister, sister, cousin, other people idk and drumroll please...

A WHITE BROTHER-IN-LAW


And honest to god, he's the toughest on Nick. Like, homie, you wanna be the only white man in the fam? Sheesh.

Everyone grills him. Everyone asks if he's ever seen a black woman before. He says he's seen them and been on dates with a few. They warn him about the dangers of interracial dating. Nick says he doesn't see color and everyone knows he's lying.

Somehow he passes the test, a test, some kind of test because Rachel's mom tells Rachel that their connection reminds her of she and Rachel's dad's connection. Who is not there?????? We spent the whole season talking about what Nick is going to call him and now he's not here???? I WANT MY MONEY BACK, ABC.

Corinne's hometown date: Miami, Florida

Corinne greets Nick in her fuzzy 90s sneakers and now I'm shopping for some from Steve Madden.

Corinne tells Nick they are going to spend a day how Corinne usually spends her days. Shopping! They shop around a really fancy mall, like fancy fancy, but it's also an outdoor mall, haha Miami (???). Corinne buys everything because I guess if you own a multimillion dollar company, you are a multimillionaire, idk math. But she even buys Nick really expensive sweatpants and I honestly don't know if a man would like this or hate this. Like, yes thank you for the gear but also thank you for emasculating me. 2017, Y'ALL.

Corinne and Nick eat and Corinne has something she needs to tell Nick...


...She loves him.

Anti-climatic.

They finish shopping and head home to Corinne's big fat Greek family. Nick meets Raquel and Raquel...

(I deleted a joke bc sometimes I'm mature. If you wanna know it, I might DM it to you.)

They eat olives and drink wine and Corinne tells her dad and mom that she loves Nick and I honestly believe she feels that way. That's what's so hard. We've all been 24 and in love with a 36-year-old, amirite.

Nick sits down with Corinne's dad and Corinne's dad teaches him how to hold a wine glass and it's embarrassing for everyone involved. Corinne's dad asks if Nick is ok with Corinne being the breadwinner, so LET'S CUT OFF AS MANY OF NICK'S BALLS AS WE CAN TONIGHT.

Vanessa's hometown date: Montreal, Canada

I am so tired of this show. Remember back in the day when it was only one hour. I miss the simpler times.

We meet Vanessa in Canada and we meet her 21 and older special ed students. They are so excited to see her that they all start crying. Nick is so overwhelmed, he starts crying.

Here's my problem with teachers and I'll say this once and then never say it again. Teachers have a hard time switching off their teacher voice. And I say that because sometimes I feel like Vanessa speaks to Nick likes she's teaching him a lesson. And it bothers me.


But other than that, I love teachers!!!! Can't live without them!!!

Vanessa instructs her students to make a scrapbook of her and Nick's love story and I would rather do algebra than that.

Vanessa and Nick head to Vanessa's mom's house. There are about 80 people in her family and none of them look like Vanessa. We meet a sister, a brother-in-law, the mom, a SHORT RED-HEADED BROTHER NAMED PATRICK WHO I WANT TO FOCUS THE REST OF THE EPISODE ON, a bunch of little kids, and about 25 more people who I don't remember because PATRICK.

Everyone hates Nick because Nick lives in LA and Nick doesn't have a job and NO ONE KNOWS WHAT LOVE IS AND EVERYONE IS SO SCARRED FROM VANESSA'S PREVIOUS BREAK-UP.

Her mother literally tells the camera that she is tired of picking Vanessa up after heartache.

OH I AM SO SORRY, VANESSA'S MOTHER, WHY DON'T WE ALL JUST GO THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT LOVING, WOULD THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY???

Finally, Vanessa sits down with Patrick and you can't see how short he is because they are sitting down, but it's still magnificent. Patrick is borderline hitting on his sister. He begins to cry because he loves her so much and he doesn't want her to love another man.

Then after an emotional 3-hour (I assume) beating from Vanessa's mom's side, Nick has to head to Vanessa's dad's house to meet that side of the family.

HAHAH KILL ME KILL NICK PLS SOMEONE JUST FIRE A GUN I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

Nick's dad is fine. He grills Nick about the other women, blah blah blah. Nick asks for his blessing if he decides to marry Vanessa.

I have thoughts even though I know my father is reading this: Idk how I feel about the whole asking the dad for permission. On one hand, v nice, on the other hand, am I property????? On one foot, they knows I'm getting married before I do, on the other foot, that could be nice.

Discuss in comments.

The episode ends, FINALLY, and Andi Dorfman comes and knocks on the door and literally no one cares. HEY, ANDI. YOU HAVE YOUR MOMENT 17 YEARS AGO. GO WRITE ANOTHER BOOK IF YOU WANT MORE AIRTIME. i'm fine.

1 comment:

  1. Love the recaps. Teacher observation is often true, (not with me of coarse, LOL) Having 5 daughters, I can tell you that the asking permission thing is really more of a formality. I don't think any of our married or engaged daughters were surprised to find that their dads had been asked for their blessing. And really that's what it is more than anything, a blessing. Basically, are these people going to show up at my house with Christmas gifts, or are they going to be the haters at every holiday for the rest of my life. If so, is she worth the fight? Also, there's always a chance at a "go away and leave my daughter" payoff possibility. (not with us-we're poor, LOL) In this case, dad was able to wake up Vanessa, at least for a little while.

    ReplyDelete