Monday, February 27, 2017

The Bachelor Episode 9: I Guess We're Talking About Sex Now


Oh, well I guess we only get one hour tonight. Ok, then.

Andi Dorfman is here and we’re supposed to care, but nobody does because Andi hasn’t been newsworthy since her book came out. But she drops by Nick’s hotel room to give him “advice" and tell him it's ok if he wants to sleep with the women. Oh, good. Glad Andi is the decider of who can have sex now. Basically she wanted to show America she can drink straight whiskey and it’s annoying. I’m annoyed.

This episode is a whole lot of going over what we already know. We revisit the hometowns. We talk about Nick’s feelings for all the women. Blah.

Roses go to: Raven, Rachel, Vanessa

Corinne goes home and as Nick is walking her out, she stops him and said, “Wait, baby.” Can’t tell you how many times I’ve called a guy baby as he was breaking up with me. And then she begins apologizing. BEING 24 IS HARD. And then as she gets in the limo, she is sad and then 30 seconds later, she is angry and declaring that she will never love any man ever again. It’s what women go through during a breakup but instead of doing it during a span of 30 days, Corinne did it in 30 seconds. And then she falls asleep. I relate to Corinne on a different level.

First date: Raven

Raven is still parting her hair on the wrong side and it’s bothering me. She and Nick ride in a helicopter overlooking Finland and it’s pretty, I guess. Then they find themselves in a Finnish pub, drinking and playing darts. It’s cute and very first date-y when you’re still trying to convince a guy you’re fun and up for anything and think playing darts sounds entertaining. When in reality, all you want to do is sit there and drink and judge other people. But Raven plays along and they talk about Raven’s hometown date in Hoxie, Arkansas.

Then for the nighttime portion of the date, Raven and Nick sit in a little room somewhere and drink red wine. Raven declares her love for Nick and it’s actually pretty sweet. I mean, I don’t think she’s actually in love, but of all the times I’ve watched someone declare their love for someone else on this show, this one seemed genuine. She starts crying, Nick starts crying, and then they kiss. Then because Raven is Raven, she decides to ruin the sweet moment by telling Nick an intimidate detail about her sex life that no one on earth, including Nick, needed to know. I’m not even going to type out here. BUT LET’S JUST SAY THE BACHELOR ISN’T A FAMILY SHOW ANYMORE. I’M NOT SURE IF IT EVER WAS, BUT GO AHEAD AND TAKE IT OFF THE DVR FOR YOUR KIDS TO FIND.


And then Raven and Nick head to the fantasy suite and then the episode ends. Apparently, we’re only doing one hour this week BUT DON’T FRET, NEXT WEEK IS A WHOLE THREE HOURS, SO GO AHEAD AND KILL ME NOW, ABC/CHRIS HARRISON.

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