Tuesday, March 7, 2017

The Bachelor Women Tell All: Everyone is Yelling

from tvguide.com

I hate everyone who liked the Facebook post that led me to have to write this recap.



That's you:
Kelsey Morgan
Carrie Bailey
Lindsey Fulton
Kelly Dearmore
Kymbre Hamilton
Laura Waltzer Conner
Kendall Roden
Tammie Marie Sawyer
Kylee Perry
Megan Seaton
Judy Villella
Riley Wilhelmi Cooper

It's the Women Tell All and yet I want more information.

Chris Harrison says Nick Viall is one of the most controversial Bachelors of all time and I'm like, ok, does no one remember Jake Pavelka because that dude was crazy.

And then he says Corinne has been the most talked about and I'm like ok, no one remembers the woman Jake picked because that girl was crazy.

Nick and Chris begin this lovely Women Tell All by crashing Bachelor viewing parties around LA (???). They go to a sorority house and Nick looks overwhelmed and Nick, let me remind you Corinne and Raven are two years removed from being in a sorority. And I can say confidently without even researching it that both of those women were in a sorority.

You are not a white female from Arkansas and not in a sorority.

Corinne vs. Taylor

Some of the women are mad because Corinne napped. Everyone is yelling over one another and it's the most stressful thing I've encountered all week and I went to Office Depot today, so that's saying something. People are really hyped up about naps being disrespectful. As if we should respect this process. As if going on the Bachelor is something to be taken seriously????

Some girl from Dallas speaks up and tells Taylor she is a bad psychologist because she didn't help Corinne through her issues. Does Corinne have issues???? Or is she a drunk 24yo white girl like we all were/are????? Am I missing something???? WHAT ARE CORINNE'S ISSUES BESIDES HER EXTENSIONS?

The yelling ends when Chris Harrison tells everyone to STFU.

Liz in the hot seat

I cannot stand Liz and somehow between the taping of the show and the airing of the show, everyone went behind my back and changed their viewpoint on Liz. All of the women looooove her. They think she is a powerful woman who goes against slut-shaming. So I guess I'm a slut-shamer now.

Listen. I'm not mad at Liz for having sex with Nick. I'm mad she went on the Bachelor instead of just calling him. And I'm mad because of her back tattoo.

"Most of America knows Liz as someone who slept with Nick."  -a girl
"I know Liz as someone who built orphanages and wells in foreign countries." -same girl

Liz starts to cry because she's so overwhelmed with everyone's nice words.



Taylor in the hot seat

Woooow. Ok I hate Taylor more than I hate Liz. I hate Taylor's teeth. I hate her voice. I hate her attitude. I hate the way she says emotional intelligence. I hate hate hate hate her.

Taylor and Corinne start arguing once again and I'm so #teamcorn it's not even funny. I can't decide which way the women favor, but I think most of them are on Corinne's side. Josephine is at least. She's in the background literally clapping at everything Corinne says. It's a little thirsty, but I would probably be doing the same.

I watched this whole exchange last night and actually got so worked up, I tweeted Taylor.

what's the matter with me.


Corinne in the hot seat

I love Corinne but I wish she would curl her two front strands of hair.

what is this, corinne.

Corinne tells us she actually had an anxiety attack and that's why she took a nap. Some school teacher named Sarah says they were alllll have anxiety attacks and that doesn't give anyone an excuse to nap. I hope one of Sarah's little shithead kindergarteners refuses to nap one day because they "respect the process" of school too much and Sarah is left with some shithead kindergartener who won't sleep. Karma.

I wish I cared about important things.

Corinne says Taylor judged her and that she was very hurt by it.

There's a guy in the audience wearing a Make America Corinne Again hat.

There is once again a lot of arguing among all the women.

Chris Harrison asks Corinne, "Do you want to say anything to Taylor?"

Corinne:

"Do you want to hear anything from Taylor?"

Corinne:

Corinne refuses to apologize and it's amazing. Taylor ends up apologizing and Corinne still doesn't. I feel satisfied unlike Raven.

Then Corinne gets v v serious. The entire tone has changed. She informs everyone Raquel is more than just a housekeeper. She was there for Corinne when Corinne's mom almost died of cancer, I think. That part is unclear. But Raquel has been there for Corinne when no one else has. I imagine it's because Raquel doesn't speak English, so she doesn't know what Corinne is talking about half the time.

Then Corinne hands out cheese pasta to the audience and the women. All is well.

Kristina in the hot seat

Until it's not well. We look back on Kristina's story. She grew up an orphan in Russia and once ate lipstick. Her story is touching and feels like a direct PSA toward Donald Trump.

Everyone is crying. Kristina is crying. Liz is balling because Liz never built an orphanage for Kristina.

Kristina's dress is amazing. I google where to buy it. I can't find it. I continue watching everyone cry over Kristina.

Nick in the hot seat

As many times as Nick has been on this damn show, this is actually his first tell-all. Everyone laughs about it. How quickly we forget about Kristina's past.

Some girl who no one knows starts talking and it's quickly apparent why she was sent home.

Corinne and Nick have a sweet moment.

Kristina GRILLS THE SHIT OUT OF NICK and asks why she was sent home. She says they had chemistry, intelligent conversations, and fun, so why did she go. BECAUSE THERE ARE OTHER WOMEN INVOLVED. HE DOESN'T SEND YOU HOME AND GO BACK ON THE COUCH WITH A BOTTLE OF LOTION AND HIS HAND. HE GOES HOME TO FOUR OTHER WOMEN. IS THERE A LANGUAGE BARRIER HERE, KRISTINA. NO EL BACHELOR IN RUSSIA? OR KENTUCKY??? WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND??



Danielle L. is still confused about why she was sent home and I wish I cared.

Rachel in the hot seat

She is the next Bachelorette and oh my god, everyone loves her. All of the women begin spouting off all the things they love about Rachel. What did this girl do to earn this love???? I can't wait to love her and then immediately hate her once she sends a sweet guy home. I love the cycle of this show.

That's all. Who will win? Let me know!

2 comments:

  1. I need you to know that this is what I look at first thing on Tuesday mornings. I haven't been able to watch this season so your blog is my only link to the Bachelor world. I speak for all 12 of us who liked your status, WE THANK YOU.
    -Kelsey Morgan

    ReplyDelete
  2. I laughed really hard when reading a few of your blog posts. Thanks for making my day lighter!

    ReplyDelete