Sunday, May 28, 2017

The Bachelorette Episode 1: I'm Out


I really, really was not planning on blogging this season of The Bachelorette. One, because the page views for the middle episodes of Nick's season did not do well. Two, the page views for JoJo's season were even worse. Three, The Bachelorette is just overall more boring than The Bachelor.

But then one person wrote on my Facebook wall and I was like well, shit. #doitforthefans



Rachel seems nice. Way too nice to be on a show like this. I was on a press call with her where journalists from all over the country ask her one question and she answers and we all hear it. Someone would introduce us and every time, Rachel would say hello to the journalist by name.

Like this:

PR person: We have Rebecca from US Weekly.

Rebecca: Hi, Rachel. How are you?

Rachel: I'm great, Rebecca.

However, when it got to me, I wanted to cut out the chit chat because I'm a working girl and I have shit to do. So this is how mine went down:

PR person: We have Paige Skinner with the Dallas Observer.

Me: So Rachel, are any scenes shot in Dallas?

Rachel: Well, first, hello, Paige.

So that was kind of a pointless story but I think it shows how personable Rachel is and blah blah blah.

But this episode begins explaining how wonderful Rachel is. She's sweet, sour, sassy, classy, and SKEPTICAL. This is a big one because no one else in the history of the show has been skeptical.

They treat her cynicism like it's her special gift. Like it's time for some man to come take it away.

ANYONE WITH HALF AN ACTUAL BRAIN IS SKEPTICAL ABOUT FINDING LOVE ON THIS SHOW.

Let's meet the designated men who get pre-packages:

Kenny, 38
He's a pro wrestler, has a 10-year-old dancer, and makes a wrestling ring/engagement ring pun. And for that reason:



Jack, 31
He's 31, like Rachel, a lawyer, like Rachel from Dallas, like Rachel, has a furry dog, like Rachel. He looks like every male ever in Uptown. And for that reason:



Alex, 28
Alex is from Detroit, assures everyone that he's not a meat head, even though he loves working out. But he's actually a nerd because he loves to code and can solve a Rubick's cube. Wow, can anyone get more boring.



Mohit, 26
He lives in San Francisco, works at a start-up or started a start-up, idk, and he Bollywood dances???? And he's pretending to straight, so this is actually amazing.



Lucas, 30
Well. Lucas is the Whaboom Guy and he's also The Worst Person In The World and What Nightmares Are Made Of and Resident Crazy Guy and Everyone's 13th Reason Why



Blake, 31
He's a personal trainer and literally says that his penis is big. I wish I was making this up.



Diggy, 31
OK, I like Diggy. He collects sneakers, which like lol, welcome to the club. He's cute and his name is Diggy and I'm into it.



Josiah, 28
He became a lawyer because his brother committed suicide when he was little and then he got in trouble as a kid and a judge told him he's not a thug, he's more than that, so now he's a lawyer, but also on The Bachelorette, so is his life really better????????????



Now Rachel heads to the mansion to meet with her girl squad, aka other women from Nick's season. I hate almost all of them except Corinne.

no idea if it's whitney or astrid sry

I liked Raven at one point but she bothers me so so so much now. Social media ruins some of these girls.



All of the women give advice, including Corinne.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Someone offers a warning about one of the guys and Rachel does not care. She actually almost seems offended by it. Remember when someone warned Ashley about Bentley and she like liked him more????? That ended well.

Then because you can't have 10 women in one place without crying over something, Rachel explains how Raven gave her advice one time and all of a sudden, everyone is crying and I just can't.

Pls, for the love of God, can this show start. I am dying.

Rachel is wearing a great dress and I can appreciate that.

LET'S MEET THE MEN WHO DID NOT GET A PRE-PACKAGE.

Peter- He's hot, he's wearing polka dot socks and a plaid jacket and yet I'm into it

Josiah- already met him, but he made a lawyer pun, he is not a Duggar

Bryan- He speaks a different language, and he put on the sexy way too thick to the point where I'm uncomfortable. But she liked it.

Kenny- They do the arm worm together.

Rob- He is Bobby Bones.



Iggy- Not to be confused with Diggy, this is Iggy, and he also wears sneakers. Not near as cute as Diggy

Bryce- Wearing his firefighter jacket so like way to stand out I guess

Will- comes out as Urkle then goes back in to the limo, comes out with wardrobe change, exhausting

Diggy- Already met him, but I'm so into him

I missed someone, I'm so sorry. Going too fast yet too slow.

Blake K.- He's a marine

Brady- Male model, brings an axe, breaks the ice and she laughs way too hard

Dean- Someone told me I would like him, he had the going black joke at ATFR, I'm undecided if I like him yet

Eric- They dance

me @ home watching them 

DeMario- He is confident and says the show is going to be over once she meets him. mmmk.

Blake E.- This is big penis guy and he comes in with a marching band.

Fred- FRED. I AM CREEPED OUT BY THE FRED SITUATION. He and Rachel went to school together, but she was in EIGHTH GRADE AND HE WAS IN THIRD. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

Like I get that age differences happen and that's normal, but it's weird because they knew each other back then. It would be like if my boyfriend knew me when I was in fifth grade and he was a senior in high school. i am so so so so sorry.

Jonathan- He is so so so so so so so so awkward. He tickles her. His occupation is literally tickle monster. no.

Lee- He comes out with a guitar and starts singing and Rachel is giggling, but like I think he is serious. I can't tell if his singing voice is real or not. He's Luke meets that other country singer boy from JoJo's season.

Alex- He comes out with a vacuum and I thought he was going to make a "suck up" joke, but he didn't, so wtf are you doing.

Milton- They take a selfie.

Adam- Adam is from Dallas and has a doll with him who he calls Adam Jr. Rachel is creeped out.

Matt- In a penguin costume. No one knows why.

I'M ONLY 38 MINUTES IN THIS SHOW I CAN'T YALL

Grant- Comes in an ambulance. No one knows why.

Anthony- He's wearing a tan jacket.

Jamey- I have no notes for him. Sorry, Jamey, but you spell your name weird?

Jack Stone- Why does he get a last name.

Mohit- Already met him.

Jedidiah- Uses a Biblical reference, not wearing a jacket, also not a Duggar

Michael- Says something about "the blacker the brownie, the sweeter the dew"

Whaboom- Talks through a megaphone and says he has one testicle bigger than the other. Between him and penis guy, I can't with this show.

Someone in the mansion says meeting Rachel is like meeting a Disney princess. HAS THERE BEEN A BLACK DISNEY PRINCESS?????????????? No, seriously, has there, I don't know.

Rachel is done meeting all 31 guys and I hate them all. She gives a really heartfelt speech and then BAM Josiah steals her away.

Josiah immediately begins telling his sad story about his brother committing suicide and wow, way to start the night off, Josiah. Maybe she can just go drown herself in the pool now.

Dean has a sand castle for the two of them to build. He says he moved to LA for a career in entertainment the beach. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAok.

Bobby Bones pulls out a fantasy baseball card of Rachel. She pretends to enjoy it.

Blah, blah, blah, other men talk to her.

But then we meet Bryan.

Bryan is ready to go. Ready to rumble right now. Ready to work with his hands.

No, really.

"I'm good with my hands."

Welp. There it is.

Rachel is somehow falling for this and it is blowing my mind. I am not turned on by Bryan at all. I am grossed out by him.

Before I can even wrap my head around his hands comment, HE BEGINS CHOWING DOWN ON HER FACE LIKE HE'S EATING DINNER.



THE KISSING YALL.

IT'S LIKE MORE THAN MAKING OUT.

IT'S RATED R.

IT'S NSFW.

IT'S TOO MUCH FOR PRIMETIME TV.

HIDE YOUR WIFE, HIDE YOUR KIDS, BRYAN IS ON THE LOOSE.

Chris Harrison presents the first impression rose and Rachel grabs it and gives it to Bryan.

Shocking.

The first kiss always gets the first impression rose, i.e. Britt and Chris, Jordan and JoJo, and that's all I can think of, but you get it.

Whaboom continues being a jackass and Big Penis Guy is offended because for once in his life, he's been out-jackassed. Somewhere, Rachel and Bryan are making out and Whaboom and Big Penis are arguing about who's on the show for the right reasons.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAok.

Rose ceremony time, thank god.

roses go to: peter, will, jack, jamey, iggy, eric, demario, jonathan, bryce, alex, kenny, dean, matt, anthony, brady, josiah, lee, diggy, fred, adam, blake e., lucas

Bobby Bones goes home, the marine, milton is crying, it's daylight, everyone is hungover, and I'm tired.

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