Monday, June 19, 2017

I Bought Makeup From A Department Store, So Yeah, I'm Ready For The Draft


In 20 years, I'll look back on June 17 and remember it as the day I ventured into a department store cosmetics section and tried to successfully buy a makeup product.

And failed.

Here's the thing. I just wanted a face moisturizer.

That's all I wanted.

That's all I really needed to be happy in these uncertain times.

I don't know why, but I decided to forego Sephora because idk, I just didn't feel like going to a nightclub that day. And my boyfriend was with me, so I was like, you know I'm not going to torture him.

So I went to Macys instead, while he went to the Disney store.

Macys.

I went to Macys.

I literally live in Nordstrom and on its website, like I literally have a salesperson I buy all my Nordstrom clothes from, and for some reason unknown to God, I went to Macys.

Idk, I guess I just wanted to do some charity that day.

But I walk into Macys and for some reason, I think I'm going to be able to shop in peace. Like, my little brain thinks I'm going to be able to go to any makeup counter I want and just look around in peace.

So I walk up to the Benefit counter and within about 46 seconds, a woman approaches and me and tells me if I spend $60, I will get the free bag that says BENEFIT across it.

I ask her if she recommends Benefit's moisturizer.

Why.

What did I think she was going to say.

She says yes, she wears it, I should buy it, along with the eye cream, and I will get the free BENEFIT bag.

At this point, I'm thinking I'm going to do it because I literally cannot say no to salespeople. If a salesperson helps me in my shopping journey, I will buy something. Just ask Kat at Nordstrom.

But somehow I mustered up the bravery to walk away from the Benefit woman. I will literally never know how I did it, but I did it.

And it's something I regret to this day.

That's because I went to the Clinique counter because apparently I'm a middle school girl using makeup for the first time.

I already had this Clinique face moisturizer and it was working pretty well, so I was like, I'll just go buy that. It will be easy. This is easy. I'm a grown woman. I can do anything.

hahahahahahahahah i am so naive hahahahahaha

I walk up to the Clinique counter and begin looking around. A woman with the tiniest face and voice begins putting lotions all over my arms and hands and body. She tells me the moisturizer I think I need is not really the moisturizer I need. I need this first-step moisturizer that is yellow and works best after you've exfoliated.

And like what am I going tell her? That's she's wrong? I mean I'm dealing with a Clinique expert.

So I ask her how much it is and it's only $26, which is a lot cheaper than I was expecting, so I buy it. I'm a millionaire.

She asks me if I also want the other moisturizer and I say no because I literally have the willpower of God at this point.

She is disappointed, but she begins checking me out and I'm not even kidding, the other middle-aged women selling Clinique at the Clinique counter begin having a birthday celebration for one of the workers.

THEY PULL OUT CUPCAKES AND A CANDLE AND LIGHTER AND BEGIN SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HER WHILE THE LATEST MAROON 5 JAM PLAYS OVER THE SPEAKERS.


ALL WHILE I AM STANDING NOT EVEN TWO INCHES FROM THEM BUYING MOISTURIZER.

I insert my card in the machine and look away because they are literally singing in my ear and I am so distraught, I start to think I've entered a war zone.


At the very last second, I look at the woman SCREAM SINGING happy birthday, and she looks me in the eye and says to me, "I was singing just for you, but you wouldn't look at me."

I've got an idea, CAN WE NOT??????????????????????

I've worked retail before and the second I ever started singing happy birthday to another co-worker in front of a customer, my ass would have been fired.

I get my moisturizer and the woman with the tiny face and tiny voice tells me to only use half a pump. I said ma'am, look at my forehead. I need a whole pump.

I nod and jet the hell out of there.

I get home and it's a horrible moisturizer so I go to Target and get Loreal Paris moisturizer because I'm Blake Lively now.


My face still feels dry.

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