Tuesday, January 9, 2018

The Bachelor Episode 2: But Wait, There's More


Cheers to falling in love!!!

This is not something I just randomly decided to type because The Bachelor features love and drinking. This is something the women actually cheers-ed to. By the pool. In their cutoffs.

All the women are screaming and are so excited about the possibility of a date with our Racecar Indy 500 Dangerous Sport Man Arie. But only one woman can be his so let's start.

A date card arrives and it's Becca K., the publicist from Minnesota, who gets the lucky date. I forget what the card says, but in 5 seconds, Arie has arrived at the mansion on his motorcycle ready to pick Becca and her Demi Lovato-insipired cross tattoo up.

All of the other women go outside to watch Becca get on the motorcycle and ride away and it's honestly what I imagine a sorority house is like. Also, I one time rode on a motorcycle with a man and it is thrilling and I did fall in love that night, so like I get it.

Becca is on her way but the editors let us see briefly what's happening back at the mansion and I am so so thankful they did. Krystal, the girl who had the homeless brother who has the worst voice, tells some of the other women that she does not like motorcycles because her dad was in a bad crash once and she thinks they are irresponsible. Honestly, it is the most classic Debbie Downer moment and Rachel Dratch could only wish she thought of Krystal's stance on motorcycles.

Becca, the publicist from Minnesota's one-on-one date

Becca and Arie are riding on the motorcycle, going somewhere, and Becca tells Arie she wants to save this memory for a postcard. Arie says nothing back. Then she says, "We're not in Kansas anymore," which is like??? But you're from Minnesota??? It's like you once heard men like movie quotes, so you just decided to throw that basic-ass one out there.

Becca and Arie arrive at another random mansion and Rachel Zoe is there. Becca and her Minnesota ass pretend to know who Rachel Zoe is. Rachel tells Becca that she gets to try on Rachel's entire collection or some shit while Arie just sits on his ass and drinks champagne. Arie tells Becca she looks stunning in all of them, like the Kanye to his Kim, and honest to god, all of the dresses are all v v ugly, but what do I know.

Arie tells Becca she gets to keep all the dresses.


Arie gets on one knee and presents her Louboutin shoes.


A man with a suitcase arrives and Arie puts Neil Lane jewelry on her.


"Have you done this before?" -Becca

"Yeah" -Arie. "For my mom"

"Good answer." -Becca

They go somewhere and eat.


He puts the necklace on her.


They kiss.


Arie tells Becca she can keep the earrings.


They pull a rope and confetti drops.

That's the end of that date. Congrats, Becca. Happy 4 u.

Another date card arrives and we learn there are going to be two back-to-back one-on-one dates and the lucky girl is... Krystal!!!

Krystal, the one who has the homeless little brother's one-on-one date

They don't get on a motorcycle, even though that would have been amazing television. Shame on your, producers. But they do hop on a plane and head to Scottsdale!! Where Arie is from!!! Krystal gets to see what Arie does on a Tuesday night!!

They go to Arie's high school, which is thrilling. They go back to where he lives, which is thrilling (and v neat). They watch home videos of Arie (CAN YOU IMAGINE ANYTHING WORSE. NO, LIKE, THINK FOR A SECOND. BEING FORCED TO WATCH HOME VIDEOS OF A MAN YOU'RE ON A FIRST DATE WITH.)


Then they head to Arie's parents' house, where his parents are and his little brother and his new wife. And this is when the alarming thing happens.

ARIE'S MOM AND KRYSTAL ARE TWINS.



ARIE'S MOM AND EMILY MAYNARD ARE KIND OF TWINS.

WHERE IN ARIE'S DAMN MIND THINK HE COULD EVER MARRY A BRUNETTE.

Krystal and Arie's parents talk and I took zero notes, except:

KRYSTAL AND HIS MOM ARE TWINS AND IM ALARMED

Arie and Krystal have dinner and Krystal tells Arie that her dad wasn't a part of her life and at one time she had to buy her own comforter. Then she tells the story about her brother being homeless and living in Venice and my only knowledge of Venice is from that Will Arnett show on Netflix called Flaked. I went through a hard hard Will Arnett phase a few months ago and I learned so much.

Arie tells her that he knows people who had rough upbringings, so he totally get her. Then they slow dance while someone with 2.7k Twitter followers sings to them. Yes, I looked up the musician and yes, he really does have that few followers. Dream big, kids.

Group date

15 women get chosen for the group date and Lauren S. is not one of them. They all arrive at the group date with their tummies showing ready for whatever Arie has in store for them.

Turns out for this group date, they are playing real-life bumper cars. With real cars. It looks dangerous but what do I know. MORE ON THAT LATER.

It is real-life bumper cars and this is a triggering moment for Annaliese who starts crying because one time when she was little, she had a bad bumper car experience where she was stuck in the middle and she felt alone.

It's honestly hilarious and Jenny is making fun of her and it's even more hilarious.

Listen, I didn't know bumper car trauma was a real thing, but that's the scary thing about this show. If you're on it, you never know what's going to trigger you and make you cry in front of the bachelor and all of America. The other day, I cried taking the Christmas tree down. I cried watching La La Land. I cried because the sun hadn't come out in a few days. So it's not that shocking that bumper cars is what made Annaliese cry.

All of the women play and bump their cars into one another and Sienne wins because she's the last one to have a running car. Brittany has to go home and can't make it to the night portion of the way BECAUSE SHE HURT HERSELF PLAYING GROWN-UP BUMPER CARS, SO MAYBE I DO KNOW A THING OR TWO AND MAYBE THAT WAS KIND OF DANGEROUS, ABC. IDK.

Arie spends time with all the women and makes out with all of them. Everyone gets mad at Chelsea because she stole him away first. Chelsea wanted to tell Arie that she has a son and she was kind of worried what Arie would think. Obviously, she knows little about our Bachelor because not only did he date Emily, single mother at the time, but he dated a woman with two kids before that. DO YOUR RESEARCH, CHELSEA. WHILE YOU WERE RAISING A CHILD, I WAS WATCHING ARIE COMPETE FOR LOVE ON THE BACHELORETTE.

Bibiana/Jenny Slate is losing it. She has had zero time with Arie and she might go off the rails any minute. Someone offers to hug her and she storms off and threatens the cameraman if he goes anywhere close to her. It's amazing.

We learn Sienne went to Yale, congrats.

Arie and Bekah, the nanny, have an intense makeout. He seems to really like her even though she has french tip nails. Congrats.

Bekah pulls away from the kiss and says, "I'm simple. No drama and I'm easy to please."

Yale gets the group date rose. Congrats.

Rose ceremony

Nothing is important except Jenny, the girl who was making fun of bumper car trauma, was sent home. And she did not take it well. Instead of saying goodbye and good luck to Arie like the classy broads usually do, she just headed straight out of the mansion. Arie went to chase her down and say sorry hun, but I just didn't see it with you. She is crying because she doesn't want to leave her friends and Arie says, I'm sorry, but it's more than that. It's honestly painful and yet somehow still amazing.

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