Tuesday, January 2, 2018

The Bachelor Season Premiere: Excitement Makes Arie Excited


Our beloved Arie is finally The Bachelor. It's finally his time, not Peter's, so let's start.

We meet Arie and get the update on what he's been up to since Emily Maynard broke his heart FIVE YEARS AGO. He says he's been plowing every woman in eyesight he's been racing and even took up real estate as a second career.

That is so cool.

"This is the most important race of my life," Arie says about The Bachelor. This will not be the last racing pun of this episode, so strap in and hold on tight! HAHAHAHAH I AM FUNNY!!!!!

It's been five years, but let's remember Arie is a tall drink of Greek water. Or Dutch? I forget.

SOME BACKGROUND YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT BUT BECAUSE I AM A V GOOD BLOGGER, I KNOW THESE THINGS: Arie was in the running to be The Bachelor, but instead Chris Soules got the gig. I campaigned v v hard for Arie on Twitter back in the day, but he did not get it.

Also, Arie dumped a girl a few weeks before he was named The Bachelor. She told Access Hollywood or some pub that in the year they dated, they never said "I love you" but she knew he loved her. k.

I one time saw Samuel Lowe at Nordstrom's and he is the cutest damn baby alive.

Let's get to know the women who the producers deemed important enough for pre-packages!!!

Chelsea- She is a single mom and even tho you thought being a single mom was easy, she says it's not!!

Caroline- She is a realtor who literally brags about her accomplishments and says, "So I'm really good at my job." She seems like a joy.

Maquel- She is a wedding photographer with more fake hair than Barbie and all her sisters.

Nysha- "The more blood, the better for me." She is some kind of nurse but she is also alarmingly skinny and I'm concerned.

Tia- She is from Weiner, Arkansas and friends with Raven from Nick's season and she's literally Raven 2.0 and I already can't with her sponsored sugar bear IG posts she will post in the next year.

Kendall- She sings to dead animals.

Bekah- She has a pixie cut!! And is a nanny!!! Cool!!!!

Marikh- She owns an Indian restaurant with her mom and Arie "better be ready" for her spice.

Krystal- She is an online fitness coach and she feeds the homeless and I really do hate her.

I am watching this on Hulu and honest to god, is fifty shades of grey a real movie

Let's meet the rest of the women and let's pay attention to the order they come out of the limo!!!!

Caroline- bragadocious realtor, has boobs, congrats, white dress

Chelsea- single mom, "there's a lot to get to know," she says "she's interesting," he says

Kendall- singing to dead animals, wrinkled pink dress

Seinne- first black girl, gives arie elephant cuff links

Tia- Weiner, she hands him a mini wiener and says "pls tell me you don't already have a little weiner," AND HE DID NOT GET THE JOKE SO IT'S FINE OMG HAHAHAH

Bibiana- she is Jenny Slate, uses a racing pun

Bri- throws him a ball and is impressed he caught it

Jenny- pink dress

Brittane J.- puts a bumper sticker on his butt and says nice butt


Kendall- homeless fitness coach, i rly do not like her, she likes pray with him?????



Valerie- bad yellow dress

Bekah- young nanny, comes up in a classic mustang, she knows little about him bc she was 18 when he was on the bachelorette, she does not say this, i do.

jenna- bad dress, bad shoes

jessica- tv host

marikh- says she is ready for salt n pepper, oh boy

olivia- tells him she saw him on emily's season and he says "oh cool!"

becca- makes him get on one knee and propose, only girl wearing an up-do?


lauren s.- most beautiful person i've ever seen and i own a mirror

lauren j.- she looks old

lauren b.- from dallas

another lauren i was looking down idk

ashley- racing flag, wearing clear heels, is she a stripper

brittany t.- speaks in dutch and it is bad

amber- says she's seen a lot of dicks bc she owns a spray tanning salon, hehe

ali- from dallas, makes him smell her pits, makes a pit stop pun, it's bad

annaliese- she is the kissing bandit bc he is the kissing bandit, idk it's bad

maquel- comes up in a racecar, congrats


Chelsea, the single mother, steals him first and everyone is furious. How dare she try to get to know this man before everyone else gets to know this man.

Chelsea is not seated with him for 30 seconds before Maquel steals him away. Chelsea is furious. How dare Maquel steal him away from Chelsea. Maquel pulls out a polaroid camera and tells Arie to make a silly face and this is what happens:

Does he strike you as the old guy who shouldn't be hanging with the young girls at the bar??????? bc same.

Everyone is boring. Some girl is asking him really intense questions and I'm not sure he's ever had to answer serious questions from anyone before.

The rest of the women are just amazed that they are here and they are jealous!! "Until you're here, you just don't get it," they all say unison, practicing their intro for their inevitable podcast.

Then the Indian girl sits down with Arie and oh, boy, let's ACTUALLY PAUSE THE TV AND TRANSCRIBE THIS BITCH'S WORDS.

"And I feel like... I don't feel like you're nervous. Like, I was so nervous in the limo and then, like, when I got out, I saw you and I was, like, instantly calm."

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A woman named Brittany says she is attracted to Arie even though she is, like, never attracted to anyone. She also painfully cannot walk in heels. They race Barbie cars and he lets her win and her prize is a kiss. She tells the camera that his lips are like clouds, they are like pillows. F**king Emily Dickinson is rolling in her grave right now.

This woman named Jenna is now with Arie and all of a sudden, she is giving him a foot massage. Arie tells the camera that she is all over the place. Does she work in social media? Does she own a foot parlor? She's never been on a plane? He says he will keep her because she is hot and wants to bone her he's intrigued.

Kissing Bandit girl takes off her mask, we learn her name is Annaleise and she does not do nicknames. What an odd thing to say????? Lighten up?????

Krystal is with Arie and Chelsea has this awful feeling that maybe Arie forgot about her??? But she was so mysterious??? So she takes her ass and walks over to Arie and demands more time with him. Then they make out with some serious tongue. My roommate covers her eyes.

While Chelsea and Arie are playing tonsil hockey, the rest of the girls have, like, lost all concept of time??? Like is it 2017??? Is it morning? Is it night? What dimension???

Tia from Arkansas tells Arie that she is a total clown and Arie assures her that he, too, is a nerd. Anyone who says they are a nerd, are usually the most boring person on the planet.

Then some girls sits down to immediately tell Arie about her dead dad, but when her dad was alive, he met Arie, so this girl's dead dad approves of their relationship. :)

Now Bekah and Arie are sitting in the back of the Mustang she arrived in and Bekah is straight out of a romantic comedy. She has big brown eyes and I'm in love with her. She asks Arie what three things make him excited to be alive and our boy, THE SUPPOSED MOST ELIGIBLE MAN IN AMERICA, tells her that one of the three things that make him excited is "excitement."

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Bekah, our girl, says, "excitement makes you excited?" It's amazing.

I don't think Arie is old and I don't think Bekah is like a baby but them sitting next to each other, he is giving me serious grandpa vibes.

First impression rose goes to Chelsea and everyone is mad.


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