Saturday, April 27, 2019

Everything I Now Know About The Avengers


THIS BLOG POST CONTAINS SPOILERS, SO STOP READING THIS IF YOU CARE. DON'T COME FOR ME.

Brad and I went to see Avengers: Endgame on Friday. I did this because a) I was bored b) I was trying to be a good girlfriend c) I thought it would be nice to do this for him, considering he let me listen to Taylor Swift's "ME!" on repeat the night before.

I have never seen any Marvel movie ever. I don't think. One time Brad enticed me to watch the one with Chris Pratt with the promise that he takes his shirt off and I watched until he took his shirt off and then I went to bed, so like I don't remember much except a talking raccoon.

So I went to see this movie with zero knowledge of anything or anybody or anything or whatever.

What I know now:

  • Black Panther is a Marvel character. Didn't know that.
  • Chris Evans is the worst Chris ever. More on that in five minutes.
  • Chris Pratt is only in the movie for a total of four minutes, it's honestly so disrespectful.
  • Mark Ruffalo and Paul Rudd are not the same person.
  • Mark Ruffalo plays the Hulk???????????????????????????? This is weird, right???????????
  • Scarlett Johannson is in these movies????????????????
  • Scarlett Johannson cannot be in a movie without coming across as an absolute slut, I'm sorry, I said it, I don't mean to slut-shame, but it's the only word I know to use. More on that in five minutes.
  • Chris Hemsworth is fine.
  • Chris Pine is not in this movie.
  • Gwenyth Paltrow just will not go away.
  • Gwenyth Paltrow looks awful with bangs.
  • Robert Downey, Jr. is great, I like him.
  • The little boy who plays Spider-Man, I love him, he's so cute, I want more of him.
  • Evangeline Lilly and Kate Beckinsale are not the same person and only one of them is in Avengers: Endgame, but I don't remember which.
  • I don't understand Brie Larson and I would like to go back to school to study and analyze why she was cast as the only Marvel woman superhero.
  • Elizabeth Olsen is unique????????
  • Ryan Reynolds was not in this movie. He's not Marvel?
  • Zoe Saldana just like won't quit.
  • Thanos is not Theranos, the Elizabeth Holmes company.
  • Endgame is one word, ok lol
  • Loki is a bad guy????? lol Taylor Swift agrees, amirite lolololol
  • Benedict Cumberbatch is Marvel????? Isn't he like Dr. Who?????? What is he doing here???
  • I cannot sit still for 15 minutes, let alone three hours.
  • My boyfriend hates seeing movies with me; my boyfriend hates me.
  • No, like, my boyfriend literally asked me to leave one hour into seeing the movie because I kept moving around so much. :)


All of that said, there are really only two things I want to dive into when it comes to this movie. Here we go.

Chris Evans should not be a movie star. He is the worst Chris in the lineup of Hollywood Chrises, this will not be discussed any further except for the things I want to say about it. He offers absolutely nothing to the movie. He is so boring and his character is so boring. He is not attractive. He is boring. I literally cannot believe he's a working actor, like I am angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who let this happen!!!!!!!!!!! However, Chris Evans as an old man at the end of the movie is far and beyond hotter present day Chris, idk i like dads.

Second thing. I literally cannot believe Jeremy Renner and ScarJo did not make out, like I really thought we were going to get an affair storyline, wow, I am still shocked writing this. I also literally cannot believe Chris Evans and ScarJo didn't make out. I thought oh, for sure, they've had a thing in the past and they will rekindle it during this movie. But they didn't!!! There was no kissing!!!! ScarJo doesn't even have any superpowers!!!! What does she do!!!! I liked when she died.

That is all I have to say about this three-hour movie. Go listen to "ME!" by Taylor Swift. Thank you.

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